I am a control freak. I make daily to-do lists, organize my grocery list according to where things are located in the store, and like to have my week semi-planned out by Monday. Obnoxious? Sometimes. It's just sort of how I'm wired. Ever since I started understanding what it meant to truly find freedom in surrendering to the Lord, it has been a constant back and forth battle of me thinking I was "giving God the reigns" and then me "taking control back". Sure, many life events have hinted to me that God was in control the whole time, but if I'm truly honest, something deep inside me thought that I still had something to do with things; that my planning and strategizing through life made a difference somehow in the way things played out. And then we saw the ultrasound.
To be completely candid, I was still in shock that we were having ONE baby; but was grateful and starting to get into my typical list and planning mode. I know you already mamas are laughing out there, but I really was beginning to feel like I was going to be able to wrap my brain around how to be a calm, cool, and collected parent by time May rolled around. And then we saw the ultrasound.
I would like to say that I was overcome with joy whenever the technician said, "Well guys, there's two sacs!" Initially, I was just sort of confused by what she meant. Sure, Hugh is a twin; but the gene is usually carried in the girl and almost always skips a generation anyway. Yes, I'd been really sick and crazy exhausted, but I just thought that's what happened when you were pregnant and that I just needed to suck it up! Once I realized what she was saying, inconsolable bawling ensued. My sweet, laid back husband continued to interact with her as she showed us both babies (in separate sacs!) and let us listen to both heartbeats (both sounding great!) The thoughts that were running through my head ranged from, "How are we going to afford this?" to "How am I going to survive carrying twins much less raising them?!" to all kinds of things... the bottom line is this: In that moment, I realized at a deeper level than ever that I have absolutely NO control over "my" life. To those of you that don't struggle with control, this is probably a no-brainer. For me, this was pivotal. In the days to come, I truly have been able to find freedom in really recognizing that any pseudo control I thought that I had over "my" life story was just that---not real! He is in control whether we recognize it or not; and He is going to bring to pass those things that He chooses! Hugh and I could have never written this story the way He is playing it out... but it is PERFECT because it's in His plans!
So here's the deal: many people probably think that announcing a high-risk pregnancy so early is probably a bad idea; and I can't say I haven't had the thought. We are fully aware that there are so many things that could happen in the next few months/years/decades. I just strongly believe that He doesn't doubly bless you without wanting you to share that journey with the people around you. We need your prayers! This is not going to be a place where I share how I am feeling, what I'm craving, etc. (I'm pregnant with twins. I'm feeling pretty awful most of the time... it's to be expected!) I also am not going to share weekly photo updates. (If you are curious, google image "pregnant with twins". You'll get the point. Yes, I'm going to be huge!) I really don't want this to be about me, or Hugh, or even the twins... I want it to be about Him. These are His children that He is entrusting to us, and He is writing this story (along with yours and mine). Let this serve as a reminder today for all of us that not only is He in control of it all, but He is bringing about His perfect will in each of our lives. He is planning absolutely more than we could dream up or imagine!
To be completely candid, I was still in shock that we were having ONE baby; but was grateful and starting to get into my typical list and planning mode. I know you already mamas are laughing out there, but I really was beginning to feel like I was going to be able to wrap my brain around how to be a calm, cool, and collected parent by time May rolled around. And then we saw the ultrasound.
I would like to say that I was overcome with joy whenever the technician said, "Well guys, there's two sacs!" Initially, I was just sort of confused by what she meant. Sure, Hugh is a twin; but the gene is usually carried in the girl and almost always skips a generation anyway. Yes, I'd been really sick and crazy exhausted, but I just thought that's what happened when you were pregnant and that I just needed to suck it up! Once I realized what she was saying, inconsolable bawling ensued. My sweet, laid back husband continued to interact with her as she showed us both babies (in separate sacs!) and let us listen to both heartbeats (both sounding great!) The thoughts that were running through my head ranged from, "How are we going to afford this?" to "How am I going to survive carrying twins much less raising them?!" to all kinds of things... the bottom line is this: In that moment, I realized at a deeper level than ever that I have absolutely NO control over "my" life. To those of you that don't struggle with control, this is probably a no-brainer. For me, this was pivotal. In the days to come, I truly have been able to find freedom in really recognizing that any pseudo control I thought that I had over "my" life story was just that---not real! He is in control whether we recognize it or not; and He is going to bring to pass those things that He chooses! Hugh and I could have never written this story the way He is playing it out... but it is PERFECT because it's in His plans!
So here's the deal: many people probably think that announcing a high-risk pregnancy so early is probably a bad idea; and I can't say I haven't had the thought. We are fully aware that there are so many things that could happen in the next few months/years/decades. I just strongly believe that He doesn't doubly bless you without wanting you to share that journey with the people around you. We need your prayers! This is not going to be a place where I share how I am feeling, what I'm craving, etc. (I'm pregnant with twins. I'm feeling pretty awful most of the time... it's to be expected!) I also am not going to share weekly photo updates. (If you are curious, google image "pregnant with twins". You'll get the point. Yes, I'm going to be huge!) I really don't want this to be about me, or Hugh, or even the twins... I want it to be about Him. These are His children that He is entrusting to us, and He is writing this story (along with yours and mine). Let this serve as a reminder today for all of us that not only is He in control of it all, but He is bringing about His perfect will in each of our lives. He is planning absolutely more than we could dream up or imagine!
