Thursday, June 13, 2013

I still have a flabby belly, and other confessions of a professing Christian

        My stomach does not look how it used to look. I realize that I just had twins a couple months ago, blah blah blah, but that's not the point. The point is that you could see a picture of me right now and have no idea that behind closed doors, I appear in no way what I used to appear. These aren't the only things that are seemingly hidden. From pictures posted and small talk had, it could seem as though twins were a "challenge" but that things were going "great". After all, the moments where both babies are screaming and I am crying and texting their dad that he "has to get home and feed them a bottle or I am going to go crazy" aren't exactly social media friendly. My entire life has been this way in some form or fashion. In a sense all our lives have. There is something within each of us that wants to "post" or "broadcast" the beautiful and neglect to mention the broken. As I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to the girls this morning, God shed light onto some truth. We were reading from Matthew 2 where the wise men went to see Jesus and assumed He was in a palace or somewhere all "king-like". Instead, however, they found Him in a stable- so not glamorous and so not what the world would see as appropriate. Looking at scripture, however, this is how God always seems to do things. Different than what the world would consider and mysteriously "other" to us as finite humans. After all, Jesus- God's only Son- had one purpose on this earth and it revolved around suffering for the sake of others. But what did this suffering bring? Ultimately, it brought glory and good. Why, as a mere human being, would I expect my road to be any different? You see, I have always wanted to do something "big" for God. My prayer has continually been that He would use me in ways that would "ultimately, bring glory and good". If Jesus Himself did this through suffering and through being born in a stable, I should not be surprised if my purpose does not reveal itself through the same. In this season of life, my suffering has been revealed through motherhood (yes, I called motherhood suffering). Is it wonderful? Absolutely. Rewarding? Of course. But, just like Christ's days on this earth, it is tainted with less than pretty circumstances and ugly bits and pieces of this imperfect world. And, as a Christ follower, the very last thing I ever want to do is to make it seem like it is ME that this story revolves around, and that the story is spotless and full of rainbows and butterflies each moment. No. Many moments, I am covered in spit up, breast milk, and tears, and every moment, I am having to cry out for God to sustain me. HE is my portion. HE is what is making me and the rest of this world whole. And if I ever have-or ever do- model that I am a "good person" trying to do "good things" all with a smile on my face, than I am no different than the Pharisees and have missed the point all together. Friends, Christianity could not be further from that picture. As a Christian, I am professing that I believe that I don't have the ability to do it on my own. That whether I am covered in baby throw up and feeling weak ; or watching my twins sleep peacefully, doing five loads of laundry, cooking a gourmet meal and doing P90X all at the same time, all is grace and I need Christ to be my all in each and every moment. The freedom and beauty in this is that some days, it is going to feel like things are together and I can praise Him for that. Other days, I am going to feel like an absolute mess and I can still rest in knowing that He's covered those days too. This is joy. Happiness? Not always. But true joy that comes from knowing that it is not about me. So I can confess my flabby belly, panicked mom moments, and selfish tendencies because in my weakness, He is strong and He is using even those for eternal purposes. My prayer today is that if you are reading this God would open your heart to this reality. Flabby belly and all, He loves you and is weaving together each and every broken and beautiful piece of your life for good. Relish in the freedom today and if you have never accepted this as truth, please please please explore further or ask me more. Eternity depends on it.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Psalm 139.

"For You formed me in my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- Psalm 139:13-16a

This is going to be a very raw, not thought-out post. It comes directly from a pregnant momma's heart. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I found myself so convinced of God's sovereignty and plan in it all. I was completely comfortable with my "out of controlness" in our pregnancy and in the future He had planned for us. But as days turned to weeks and weeks have turned to months, anxiety has creeped in as it sneakily can. I found myself weeping when we hit "the week of viability". Weeping because I was so grateful; and weeping because the closer it gets to our due date, the more desperately I want healthy, fully developed little ones. You see, I had gone from "whatever You will" to frantically trying to grab onto what I wanted the story to look like. The problem in that, as we all know, is that there is no way of knowing the different chapters of the story. Beyond that, the story is not about you, is not about me, and is not about these sweet baby girls. The story is about Him. And as His child, I must trust that He works ALL things together for good. That I may not know or get all the details of the plan, and that seemingly hard times may arise, but that He is still wholly good. As I was meditating on Psalm 139 (which my amazing, God-fearing husband is memorizing during this pregnancy might I add), God spoke so many truths to me through the different portions of the scripture. I pray He uses those realities to speak into your life tonight as well.

"For You formed me in my inward parts, You knitted me together in my mother's womb..."- Simple enough. He formed us. Each and every one of us. In the midst of our sin, in the midst of our disabilities, problems, and disillusions, He formed us. We did not form ourselves (nor one another) so who are we to question anything about how we or others were made?

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."- Purely stated, not only did He state, "It is good" as He was knitting each of us together, our souls, the depths of who we are, knows that truth. At the core of who you and I are, we are aware that there is beauty in each and every one of us. Why? Because of the One who fearfully and wonderfully created us.

"My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth..."- I am just SO ready to see these girls. To meet them, to look at their precious little fingers and toes...He is RIGHT THERE with them as they are being created BY HIM. There is so much that is still "secret" to Hugh and I about our daughters; but He is intimately with them already.

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- He knew each of us before we were a thought or possibility in others' minds. He already knows each and every day of the lives of our unborn children because He determined them long ago.

As He gently reminded me of these truths tonight, the Lord whispered to my heart, "If this is all true, don't you think you can trust my heart and my plans for the daughters I have entrusted to your family? If I am the One who thought of them, who thought of you, before the beginning of time, and if I am the One who has been knitting them together so delicately in your very womb, aren't I to be trusted with every detail of their future?" YES, Lord. You absolutely are. So, my friends, whether I meet my little girls tomorrow or 10 weeks from now... He is in charge. And that is GOOD news.

 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

THE Sacrifice.

As we were worshipping in church on Sunday, the line of the song said, "You are the sacrifice, Jesus Son of God". I have praised the Lord through these words many times, but it hit me on a different level on Sunday. So often, it does feel like I am the one making the sacrifices in this faith journey. While that sounds prideful, it is just real. It is easy to look around at those who aren't giving their time, money, and energy toward the Gospel and think that they have it easy. Don't get me wrong, many days and seasons I am more than aware that He is the only one that satisfies, the only abundant and fulfilling way to life. Deep inside my soul, I know this truth. But to be authentic (and I believe that is what we are called to be) it is not always that way. Some days, I would rather spend the money the Lord has given us on selfish things, on temporary things. Many days, I find it easier to check my facebook account than "log-in" to God's throne and His word. This is just the sinfulness and waywardness of who I am in my flesh. As I listened to the words of that particular song on Sunday, however, I realized something: Jesus, You are THE Sacrifice. You came down to earth (when you did not have to) to give your perfect Self for imperfect humanity (who would spend many moments not only not thanking You; but often denying You all together). That makes Him THE Sacrifice. What could I ever give up that possibly trumps that? Even if I gave up my life here on earth, my track record is no where near perfect aside from Christ, and what I would be giving up would not even come close to Him giving up His life. Plus, He has offered us all ETERNAL life, so giving up my temporary life is not even that much of a sacrifice in light of the Gospel. Acts 17:24-25 says this:

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything, because He Himself gives all men life and breath and everything else."

What sacrifice could I possibly think I'm making in light of this? In light of what His sacrifice has offered me, offered us, from now until forever?!

David Livingston, a missionary in Africa during the 1800s, seemed to grasp this truth. When asked about the sacrifices that he had made by choosing a life in Africa he would always respond, "I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk of "sacrifice" when we remember the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father's throne on high to give Himself for us."

As Gospel-believing Christians, we know this truth in our heads, but do we truly hold on to it in our day to day living? Brothers and sisters, He IS the Sacrifice. He already sacrificed it all. Anything we seemingly give up on this earth is only a grain of sand in comparison to what He offers us both now and always. Let's offer Him up a gift of gratitude and praise today for the privilege of being able to serve Him with our lives.