My stomach does not look how it used to look. I realize that I just had twins a couple months ago, blah blah blah, but that's not the point. The point is that you could see a picture of me right now and have no idea that behind closed doors, I appear in no way what I used to appear. These aren't the only things that are seemingly hidden. From pictures posted and small talk had, it could seem as though twins were a "challenge" but that things were going "great". After all, the moments where both babies are screaming and I am crying and texting their dad that he "has to get home and feed them a bottle or I am going to go crazy" aren't exactly social media friendly. My entire life has been this way in some form or fashion. In a sense all our lives have. There is something within each of us that wants to "post" or "broadcast" the beautiful and neglect to mention the broken. As I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to the girls this morning, God shed light onto some truth. We were reading from Matthew 2 where the wise men went to see Jesus and assumed He was in a palace or somewhere all "king-like". Instead, however, they found Him in a stable- so not glamorous and so not what the world would see as appropriate. Looking at scripture, however, this is how God always seems to do things. Different than what the world would consider and mysteriously "other" to us as finite humans. After all, Jesus- God's only Son- had one purpose on this earth and it revolved around suffering for the sake of others. But what did this suffering bring? Ultimately, it brought glory and good. Why, as a mere human being, would I expect my road to be any different? You see, I have always wanted to do something "big" for God. My prayer has continually been that He would use me in ways that would "ultimately, bring glory and good". If Jesus Himself did this through suffering and through being born in a stable, I should not be surprised if my purpose does not reveal itself through the same. In this season of life, my suffering has been revealed through motherhood (yes, I called motherhood suffering). Is it wonderful? Absolutely. Rewarding? Of course. But, just like Christ's days on this earth, it is tainted with less than pretty circumstances and ugly bits and pieces of this imperfect world. And, as a Christ follower, the very last thing I ever want to do is to make it seem like it is ME that this story revolves around, and that the story is spotless and full of rainbows and butterflies each moment. No. Many moments, I am covered in spit up, breast milk, and tears, and every moment, I am having to cry out for God to sustain me. HE is my portion. HE is what is making me and the rest of this world whole. And if I ever have-or ever do- model that I am a "good person" trying to do "good things" all with a smile on my face, than I am no different than the Pharisees and have missed the point all together. Friends, Christianity could not be further from that picture. As a Christian, I am professing that I believe that I don't have the ability to do it on my own. That whether I am covered in baby throw up and feeling weak ; or watching my twins sleep peacefully, doing five loads of laundry, cooking a gourmet meal and doing P90X all at the same time, all is grace and I need Christ to be my all in each and every moment. The freedom and beauty in this is that some days, it is going to feel like things are together and I can praise Him for that. Other days, I am going to feel like an absolute mess and I can still rest in knowing that He's covered those days too. This is joy. Happiness? Not always. But true joy that comes from knowing that it is not about me. So I can confess my flabby belly, panicked mom moments, and selfish tendencies because in my weakness, He is strong and He is using even those for eternal purposes. My prayer today is that if you are reading this God would open your heart to this reality. Flabby belly and all, He loves you and is weaving together each and every broken and beautiful piece of your life for good. Relish in the freedom today and if you have never accepted this as truth, please please please explore further or ask me more. Eternity depends on it.
