HIS Story.

I am a control freak. I make daily to-do lists, organize my grocery list according to where things are located in the store, and like to have my week semi-planned out by Monday. Obnoxious? Sometimes. It's just sort of how I'm wired. Ever since I started understanding what it meant to truly find freedom in surrendering to the Lord, it has been a constant back and forth battle of me thinking I was "giving God the reigns" and then me "taking control back". Sure, many life events have hinted to me that God was in control the whole time, but if I'm truly honest, something deep inside me thought that I still had something to do with things; that my planning and strategizing through life made a difference somehow in the way things played out. And then we saw the ultrasound.
To be completely candid, I was still in shock that we were having ONE baby; but was grateful and starting to get into my typical list and planning mode. I know you already mamas are laughing out there, but I really was beginning to feel like I was going to be able to wrap my brain around how to be a calm, cool, and collected parent by time May rolled around. And then we saw the ultrasound.
I would like to say that I was overcome with joy whenever the technician said, "Well guys, there's two sacs!" Initially, I was just sort of confused by what she meant. Sure, Hugh is a twin; but the gene is usually carried in the girl and almost always skips a generation anyway. Yes, I'd been really sick and crazy exhausted, but I just thought that's what happened when you were pregnant and that I just needed to suck it up! Once I realized what she was saying, inconsolable bawling ensued. My sweet, laid back husband continued to interact with her as she showed us both babies (in separate sacs!) and let us listen to both heartbeats (both sounding great!) The thoughts that were running through my head ranged from, "How are we going to afford this?" to "How am I going to survive carrying twins much less raising them?!" to all kinds of things... the bottom line is this: In that moment, I realized at a deeper level than ever that I have absolutely NO control over "my" life. To those of you that don't struggle with control, this is probably a no-brainer. For me, this was pivotal. In the days to come, I truly have been able to find freedom in really recognizing that any pseudo control I thought that I had over "my" life story was just that---not real! He is in control whether we recognize it or not; and He is going to bring to pass those things that He chooses! Hugh and I could have never written this story the way He is playing it out... but it is PERFECT because it's in His plans!
So here's the deal: many people probably think that announcing a high-risk pregnancy so early is probably a bad idea; and I can't say I haven't had the thought. We are fully aware that there are so many things that could happen in the next few months/years/decades. I just strongly believe that He doesn't doubly bless you without wanting you to share that journey with the people around you. We need your prayers! This is not going to be a place where I share how I am feeling, what I'm craving, etc. (I'm pregnant with twins. I'm feeling pretty awful most of the time... it's to be expected!) I also am not going to share weekly photo updates. (If you are curious, google image "pregnant with twins". You'll get the point. Yes, I'm going to be huge!) I really don't want this to be about me, or Hugh, or even the twins... I want it to be about Him. These are His children that He is entrusting to us, and He is writing this story (along with yours and mine). Let this serve as a reminder today for all of us that not only is He in control of it all, but He is bringing about His perfect will in each of our lives. He is planning absolutely more than we could dream up or imagine!

The Sin that Lurks Within

       Sometimes I am so aware of the sin that lurks within me. Not necessarily the external obvious things that others see; but the day to day selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of trust, and overall discontent that can creep up. As I was listening to Pandora this morning, a Casting Crown song from years past came on. I heard a line that I have never paid close attention to-"Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness"- and I was reminded that He truly has cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. As much as I hear this truth, the knowledge that because of Christ, my  sins are literally cast out and remembered no more, I must confess my mind struggles to trust this. It hit me today how distrusting and prideful it is for me-for us- to dwell on the sin God has purposefully left alone. After all, isn't that what Christ came and suffered for? How dare I focus on that which God Himself has disassociated from!? Scripture is clear that we are to trust God with ALL our sins; trust that He completely erased any and all misdemeanors, mistakes, felonies, filth, evil, etc. from our record. So who am I to spend much of my day- or any of my day for that matter- emeshed in my own personal checklist of sins? Did Christ die so I could stay overwhelmed in my own mess?! No. Quite the opposite actually. If I believe that Christ died so that we could be clean and righteous in His sight, and if this is the message I long for my life to preach, I must live that way day in, day out. I must not get caught up in the mess of me; instead, I must gratefully and humbly accept that He has saved me, even from myself. What gratitude and awe my heart feels as I fix my eyes on Him and this promise! Friends, let's choose to not get caught up in our own "stuff" today. Let's choose to focus on the One that took care of it all at the cross. He is faithful.

All is grace.

It has been a while since I've shared my heart here. For some reason, I have not quite felt a sure message develop. So many wonderful things have been going on; so many life changes have come to fruition. As I was reading the end of, "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp, these words captured my heart:
     "Blessings keep our awareness of life's Holy potential ever present. They awaken us to our lives...with each blessing uttered we extend the boundaries of the sacred and ritualise our love of life. One hundred times a day, everywhere we turn, everything we touch, everyone we see. The blessings can be whispered. No one even need hear. No one but the Holy One."
First of all, God has used this book to awaken my soul to the vitality of praise, of thanks. I would like to consider myself a fairly grateful person, but do I acknowlege my thanks to God for ALL? Not just for the big things or the "yes" answered prayers. For the small, little blessings showered throughout my day. For the things that appear as suffering that God has promised are blessings in disguise. Yes, even that things that have devastated me; that temporarily made me doubt God's goodness at all. All is grace. This is not a pretty piece of wrapping paper to put around the hardships of our life in order to "cover" for God. No. God does not need my rationalizations concerning His ways, and I shudder to think I live sometimes as if He did. All is grace.

• My newfound discovery of half and half- not the fat free stuff, the real thing- coffee will never taste the same.
• My sweet puppies cuddled up in the grass, napping in the sunshine.
• A text message from a dear friend who I haven't seen in a while.
• The endurance the Lord has given my husband to make it through over 90 hours of work this week.
• Moments of solitude with the Lord as the birds chirp.
• Hugh's favorite OJ on sale, two for one.
• A couple hours of alonetime with delivery pizza, milkshakes, and the Braves.
• New friendships forming with some incredible women and some wonderful neighbors.
• A Gospel-preaching church that we feel connected to and challenged by every Sunday.
• Opportunities at work that make me realize His power is made perfect in my weakness.
• The emptiness and discontentment that continue to creep up, only to remind me that regardless, my satisfaction is fond solely in Him, no matter the circumstances.

The list could go on and on, as I'm sure yours could too if you will open up your eyes and heart to see. I never ask for comments, but I would LOVE to know some of your "graces", this morning- the good and the seemingly bad that God is turning into good. Let's lift up our praises to Him; trusting that each and every moment is full of His love and grace.

The Umpire of our Hearts.

   While watching sporting events, it is always clear that everyone agrees on one thing: we may not like the referees or the umpire's call, but it is what rules. People may yell, scream, complain, or disagree; but there is an agreement that whatever the person calling the game says, goes. As I was reading in Colossians, a portion of chapter 3, verse 15, stood out to me in the Amplified version: "And let the peace from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts (deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your mind, in that peaceful state) to which as (members of Christ's) one body you were also called (to live)." The peace from Christ. Act as umpire continually.
    I started thinking about how many times I do not allow the peace of Christ to even play a small role in my interactions with others; much less act as umpire. Sure, I may spend a few moments trying to see Christ in afternoon traffic; but if I realize I'm not going to make it to the dry cleaners in time before they close, that goes out the window. Yeah, I might attempt to give my husband grace at the beginning of an argument; but if push comes to shove and he won't admit that my opinion is right, I forget that "peace" completely.
   Friends, we have to challenge ourselves to live out the word completely. Not just when it's easy. Not only when our emotions line up with his truth. Not only when we feel like we are being treated fairly. ALWAYS. The peace of Christ must ALWAYS act as umpire of our lives. We must allow the peace that Christ gives to decide and settle all matters of the mind, soul, and heart. It's not easy; but it's a command from the Lord and therefore it is worth it. So, in the moments today that you (or me!) are tempted to become umpire of our own lives and situations and throw peace out the window, let us be reminded to take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask Christ to make the final call. And the best news is this: His call is ALWAYS perfect. Where as refs and umpires on this earth make subjective moves sometimes and do not always know what is true, our Lord's calls are always exactly on target. Let's trust Him to lead today.

Guest Blog.

As my husband and I sat at dinner, discussing various things we thought the Lord was teaching us in our lives, Hugh brought up a great truth from a story in the Bible I had not read much. I thought, "I should write a blog about that,", but then I realized he would be a much better candidate for it. Here is Hugh's take on Matthew 17:

       The Word of our God is not a book meant to encourage for a time and then sit on display on the book shelf or give us 10 easy steps to success, but it is a book that as Hebrews states, is "living and active."  The Bible is meant to be enjoyed, as it is a communion with God that is not only applicable, but is REAL in the way that it transforms, guides, and speaks into our lives.  It is a conversation with the Lord.  That being said, we can have great comfort in struggles and our lack of understanding in why things happen the way they do in this world.  I want to give an example of God's provision from Matthew 17:24-27.  The story of the coins in the fish's mouth, is not one that is often read, but is one of the more unusual miracles in scripture.  In fact, it only appears in the Gospel of Matthew.  Perhaps, Matthew was particularly moved by this story about tax collection, as he was of the same breed, a tax collector himself.  A tax collector approaches peter in order to collect the two-drachma temple tax.  This was a tax required of the Jews as prescribed by Exodus chapter 30 for upkeep of the temple.  It is important to note the collector was only asking for collection from Peter's master.  They were after only Christ.  Jesus is quick to point out that he recognizes the depth of perversion in the situation, when He states that He is well aware the tax is not applied to the families of the tax collectors, but instead the burden is placed on others.   Christ would grow used to bearing the burden of our own human mess,  evidenced ultimately by the cross.  Here, Jesus tells Peter to go and cast out his fishing line, and the first fish that he reels in will have not only two, but four drachma in it's mouth!  "Take the first fish you catch, open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin.  Take it and give to them for my tax and yours" (v.27).  What!  Not only a bizzare miracle, but it is easy to miss the math.  The tax collectors came only asking for two drachma from Jesus.  However, Christ was quick to provide for himself and for Peter with a coin covering both of their debts.  How great is our God that He knows what we need and will provide without us even asking or pleading?  God takes care of the lillies of the field and the birds of the air (Matthew 6), how much more will he take care of you.  Remember these things in financial hardship, illness, a poor housing market, a messy presidential race, or in feast and famine.  God will provide.  This may not be in our time frame or how we expect, but He will pay "His tax and yours." He has already provided for us eternally in the cross.  Praise be to the One who was and is to come. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

This has always been my "go-to" verse for when my sin is right up in my face. For the times that I knew I had messed up; when the dirtiness and filth of my flesh was fully externalized. There are several seasons of my life where this verse continued to remind me that I WAS a child of God and that He WAS transforming me in His time. This morning, however, God made me aware of a deeper truth to these verses.
His compassions never fail. Dictionary.com defines compassion as: "A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." One of the antonyms they list for compassion is indifference.
First off, what does the Lord have deep sympathy and sorrow for each of us? What are our misfortunes? You tell me. For some of us, those might be things that we could have prevented. Sins that we committed knowingly. Moments that replay in our brains over and over again, praying and hoping that a re-do button   would show up. For others, our current misfortunes take a different turn. Sickness within the family or ourselves. The diagnosis that keeps getting worse. The depression that just won't go away. The cries for a spouse or a baby that continue to go unanswered. All of these can be considered misfortunes. And Lamentations promises us that God has ACTIVE sympathy and sorrow for us in the midst.
The second half of the definition is the part that tugs at my heart strings the most. It says that this feeling is accompanied by "a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". This is where our trust comes in. Friends, not only does God see your misfortunes, He wants to make it better. He is fully aware of what you are going through, and He desires to relieve that suffering. In our sin, He continues to bring us His grace and forgiveness EACH morning. As the sun rises, it is a fresh reminder that He is for us and is giving us yet another chance to remember Him in all we do. In those misfortunes that keep us perpetually intuitive to the fact that the world we live in is a broken one full of suffering, let us not forget that He is NOT indifferent. He desires to relieve us of this suffering, whether in this life or the next. If He continues to allow you to feel the pain, He promises us that it is for a reason. And the hope of this verse is that we would begin each day with a new understanding of this compassion that the Lord has for us. Regardless of if your misfortunes are self-inflicted or simply a part of being a human being, He is right there with you in it. His compassions NEVER fail, and He will not let your suffering end in vain. Because He's for you. Because He is the Great Alleviator of all of our pain as we lay it at His feet. Because He is faithful. 

No words.

You know that "youth conference feeling"? The one where you are singing with hundreds of people and the speaker has really brought the Gospel, and tons and tons of youth (including yourself) are coming up to the front of the room to pray? That emotional, tear-jerking moement where you and a hundred of your (now) friends are realizing God really is all that matters, all together? (Some of you are nodding, some of you just confused. Just trust me on this one.) I have that feeling right now. Except I am by myself, in a coffee shop, age 26; and the only thing speaking to me is God's word and His still, sweet voice. The place He currently has me on this journey...my, it is sweet.
I can smell the honeysuckles after a summer rain, feel the embrace of a warm fire on a winter's night; experience the security of being wrapped up in a towel right after it has left the dryer. This is how my life feels right now. I realize I'm not making 100% sense right now, and I'm okay with that. Some seasons of life are like "inside jokes" with the Lord, and this is the beginning of one of those seasons for myself. This morning, I am aware of one of the many rewards that comes with walking through this life with the Lord. He has brought me to a place where His provision does not seem like a foreign truth; it is right in my face. And friends: there are no words; which is why I'm stumbling across this computer board attempting to express my gratitude to Him. I want to give Him glory by sharing with you all. We may not be in an auditorium, praising Him all together in some beautiful song, but the concept is still the same. He has brought me to my knees the past few weeks, and I feel giddy inside about all that is to come.
           "Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see; all I have needed thy hand hath provided; great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"
I see the Lord, sitting up on His mighty throne, smiling... and not just today, but in the days before; knowing the joy I was going to experience as He poured out unnumerable blessings in His perfectly orchestrated time. I know, I know. Even what seems like suffering is a blessing. May I rejoice in those times, too. But oh, to enter into a time of "jumping in the air, carefree praise" for the Lord. He deserves this always; but I want to give it to Him (as I am so aware of it) today. I know that a more difficult season could be just around the bend, and I'm okay with that. Because I trust Him; and I know that He is confidently leading me into still waters with every passing winter or storm. Because He is God. Because He is good. Because He is for us.
I must make one thing clear: this has nothing to do with me or my efforts to be a "good" Christian: been there, done that, failed miserably. I do not serve Him as I should or love through His love on a daily basis. I go back and forth in my trusting in and leaning on to Him; but He never lets me go because He knows my heart and because He never changes. Morgan is nothing outside of His hold on my life.
Whatever your circumstances, whatever is going on in your life, however you view God, hear my authentic plea: walking with Him makes ANY season sweeter; the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. When you do choose to hold on to His grasp on you in the midst of trying times... the aftermath is that much more wonderful. He is smiling down on YOU today, on us. He sees the big picture, and it is good. Let's celebrate Him together.