Blog address has been changed! You can now find us at www.hishandshisfeethisheart.com . 

When the Casserole Isn't Enough and Other Musings.

Most of us have done it at some point. “I’ll pray for you,” we say, when really all we mean is that we are thinking about someone and whatever they are going through. There are probably some of you who wouldn’t even consider yourselves a “praying person”, yet you have said it from time to time simply because it felt like the right thing to do. So why don’t we just tell others, “Thinking of you”? Has it just become a coined phrase such as asking someone how they are doing and getting a quick, “good” response back? And, if we are offering sincere, intentional prayer up on others’ behalf, why? What does praying to an unseen God do for someone who needs immediate comfort or help?

               There have been several incidences in friends’ lives where I have so badly wanted to “do something”; to try to cushion the blow of whatever life has thrown at them so to speak. Whether it is plan a girls’ night for a friend who is walking through a break-up, or bringing a casserole to a family who has gone through a loss, we just want to help ease others’ pain. While an ice cream sundae with an acquaintance or a walk with a peer might be temporarily helpful, it does not get to the core of the problem. It just doesn’t truly help. In fact, there are many instances in which an encouraging text or dropped off meal, however delicious, could seem like salt in the wound. I believe  this is because while these things might serve our own need  to reach and “do our part”, it can sometimes accentuate the truth that no one truly understands what the casserole-receiver (again, just go with it) is going through. After all, if they did, they would be able to do more…to fix things.  At some point in life, we all become all too aware that this just can’t happen no matter how much we wish it could. I am not saying reaching out and offering love and support is irrelevant; not in the least. Community is vital and whether someone empathizes with our situation or not, we need the love, albeit imperfect, of those around us. I AM saying that these things are equivalent to giving a dehydrated person a sip of water- nice in the moment, but often just causes the thirsty to thirst even more. So what can we do? I believe that lifting others up to the throne of God is the only thing that truly assists.

               Think about it: when you send good vibes or thoughts to another, however well intentioned, they are powerless. After all, if you had the power to help what that person was walking through, you might have prevented it all together. So doesn’t it make sense to meet with the One who allowed it to happen in the first place? It is there that we wrestle through the “why’s”. Prayer does not change God, but it does change the one who prays. In talking to God, we are reminded of His sovereignty, of His love, of His goodness. The more we get to know Him, the more we learn to trust Him with our lives and the lives of those around us. Even when it is hard. Even when things don’t make sense to our finite, human minds. In the midst of a broken and heartbreaking world, there is Hope.  Prayer is simply communication with God and we cannot meet with the Creator without being changed for the good. He DOES  care about our needs, both big and small. But how do we know that for sure? We must look to the cross. There, in the place where Love was made perfect. There, where the Holy died for the unholy, the unjustified given justice through God’s own flesh and blood. Oh, friends, how He loves us. How He cares for us. How He longs to be the Meeter of all our needs. Because of the cross, as a Christian, I have been given full access to God’s holy throne. Hebrews 7:25 says it best,

“Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because He always lives to intercede for them.”

He is constantly interceding for those that put their faith in His perfect sacrifice. After the casserole has been eaten, the night out is over, the vacation away ends, and you are once again hit smack in the heart with the reality that didn’t disappear, He remains. Always mediating. Always standing in the gap.  Bearing our burdens for us and offering ourselves and those we love a healing balm whose ingredients are kept in the Secret Place but given limitless to those who will simply ask. The next time someone around you is facing a trial or tribulation, won’t you first offer them the only gift that truly keeps on giving, namely Christ? After all, we can only be the hands and feet of Him whose heart we know. In light of this truth, would you honor me with your prayer requests today? You can contact me in whatever way seems fit. If email is more appropriate, my email is morganbcheek@gmail.com. It would be a privilege. In a world of tragedies, busyness, mysteries, and day to day tasks, He is our Rock. Let’s cling to Him today. 

We wait for what?

Waiting. None of us like to do it. Particularly in this American culture, we are not forced to wait on much and we are all prone to get impatient at a rapid pace if we have to do so. We live in a world of fast food, quick marts, express and go’s, and the idea of waiting on anything tends to produce anxiety and frustration in us all. So much of it falls back on the lack of control that ensues during the wait; much of it is associated with our own selfish desires and time tables. Think about it. What is the first thing we do when we find ourselves in a traffic jam on the interstate? After huffing and puffing about the fact we are going to be late to the place we are intending to go, we then frantically try and figure out what is going on and how long it is going to be until the traffic dissipates and life continues on as planned. Our schedule. Our timeline. Seemingly little incidences like this happen to us often and serve as great reminders that life does not revolve around us, but what happens when it isn’t just a detour on the highway? What happens when we are the one in the head on collision? When the cancer comes back? When death comes suddenly? When the baby prayed for isn’t? When your job is no more? When we are stopped in our tracks by the life that God chose for us that is drastically different than the life we foresaw? It is then that we can sometimes find ourselves paralyzed in the waiting. Frozen in the unknown.

I have always craved knowledge; and not just in a scholastic sense. As a child I became fixated on the connection between God and dinosaurs, and read book after book about the topic. I watched the weather channel hour after hour, and read the encyclopedias that collected dust on our bookshelves. Why? I just wanted to know. When I would try out for a sports team or play, I would spend all hours between finding out if I made it obsessing over and analyzing whether I thought that I did or not. It wasn’t necessarily about “making it” or not; it was more about just knowing.

We found out this week that the last known diagnosis we were waiting to get results from was negative. No more known options. We sent off more blood work and now will wait six months to see what rarer, rare diagnose they might discover our girls carry. The chances that they will figure something out are pretty high, but the likelihood that we will be two of a handful of people with this diagnosis, without a strong prognosis, is equally probable. Six months wait to find out blurry information? Sounds like this knowledge girl’s nightmare. But God.

As I have been praying through this new chapter in our family’s journey, the Lord has spoken to the depths of my soul concerning the unknowns. In all authenticity, I have the tendency to look at others’ life stories and question. Why do they have a diagnosis? Why did they find out so quickly? I’m not asking for you to take it all away, Lord, (although that might be nice as well!) I’m just asking for an explanation of some kind. If only I could have a support group of mom’s that are walking this same road….if only we could have a slight idea of what the future will look like for our family…if only….

Patient and merciful as He is, God brought me to the pages of His word and I have been nourished and refreshed by the truth that I am in good company. After all, the Bible is full of people that have walked moments, hours, even years of waiting for the unknown. Noah built an ark while the sun was still shining. Abraham went to a country that he didn’t know; then offered up his son without awareness that God would not make him follow through with the sacrifice. The Israelites crossed over the Red Sea without the assurance that it wouldn’t swallow them up. David and Goliath, Daniel and the lion’s den, the list goes on and on. Story after story of those that trusted without borders. How? They were comfortable with an unknown circumstance in light of a known God. The best part is this: The Lord says that, “…all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect”. (Hebrews 11:39). Apart from us. Apart from your story, my story. All things are being tied together in light of what we are truly waiting for: our Savior. The moment when, as He sees fit, He unites His children with Himself and the trials are finished for good. No more waiting; no more wandering in the desert of the unknown. One with Him forever. Because the truth is, we are all waiting on that which we cannot see. How light and momentary these seasons of waiting will seem in light of the One who is more than worth our wait. What you wait for, what I wait for, is not a diagnosis. It isn’t a husband. It isn’t more money or another job. It is not five more pounds lost.  It isn’t a baby. It isn’t physical healing on this side of heaven for ourselves or our loved ones. It’s Him.

No matter what these next six months bring, my hope and expectation is that He brings me freedom from idolizing an answer. Independence of the knowledge that comes from that which fades. Whatever that looks like for you, that is my prayer for you as well. He is our Ultimate Answer. I am watching and waiting for Him and Him alone (Psalm 59:9). Let it be known that He holds us all in the palm of His hands and knowledge of that trumps any false security a diagnosis might bring. On this Mother’s Day, those of you that have been hit head on with infertility, or the loss of a child or mother, or motherhood that looks different than you anticipated, I pray He empresses this truth firmly in your heart: Your hope is not found in that which fades and changes; your hope is found in the Love that holds the keys to every chapter of the book of the life He’s given you. And with Him, the last sentence is always happily ever after. For eternity.

“But I will sing of Your strength; I will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning. For You have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to You, for You, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love.”- Psalm 59:1-17

Best Case Scenario: A Guest Post.

What is our ‘Best Case Scenario’?

 

I am totally honored to get to share on Morgan’s blog today!  I thought it might be helpful for some people to know a little bit of my story.  So here are a few links to my blog in case you want to know the whole story of our little lives.  Click HERE and HERE to get a glimpse at our story. 

 

My name is Julie.  I am married to the absolute love of my life, Clay, and we have a two-and-a-half year old boy named George.  For the first 30 years of my life, whether or not I would have admitted it at the time, I have lived a pretty ‘blessed’ life.   I, as a Christian, tend to measure how great my life (or, really, anyone’s life) is by the ‘blessings’ in my life.  Oh, I wonder how often we misuse this word that the Lord puts such great emphasis on. 

 

By definition, ‘blessing’ means ‘God’s favor or protection.’  I think I’ve lived most of my life under that assumption that a ‘blessing’ means something ‘good’ or ‘happy’.  As we’ve walked through the last year of our lives in our little family, the Lord has taught me that, sometimes, and maybe even usually, God’s blessings come in the exact opposite form of something ‘good or happy’. 

 

We have two children; but our daughter, Nan, is with the Lord.  She lived for thirty minutes after being born, and Clay and I were able to hold her as she took her last breath.  This moment has shown to be the greatest blessing on our marriage.  This moment, as we watched our own flesh and bones leave all of the sin and anguish of this broken world has breathed new life into our marriage.  It has renewed our love for each other, for our son, George, and most of all, it unearthed in us our most primitive love for our own Creator.   Never in my life would I have described a situation such as this as a ‘blessing’.  But we experienced so much of God’s favor, His protection, and His redeeming love in that little hospital room, and we will never be the same because of it.

 

I share all of this background, because Morgan and I have shared countless conversations over the past several months about the unexpected journeys the Lord is taking each of us on.  I’ve asked almost every person I know to pray for the Cheek family, and I’ve had a few people ask me the question that is written on all of our hearts, for all of our individual lives.

 

What is their [your, my, his, her, etc.] best-case scenario?

 

I was sitting at lunch with my mom when she asked me this very question.  And this response bubbled up from within me, and I know the Lord has planted this seed of Truth in my heart. 

 

Their [your, my, his, her, etc.] best-case scenario is that Jesus would come back.

 

When I was pregnant with Nan, the doctors were very sure that her life would be hard, and therefore, gave us very little hope that we would ever be ‘normal’ again.  I began to believe that anything that is not ‘good’ or ‘happy’ could not be from the Lord.  Then, Hugh reminded Clay and me of the single most important thing we, as believers, can remember.

 

This is not our home.  This world is not as good as it gets.

 

To an unbeliever, this world is as good as it gets.  So anything that doesn’t make this life better/more enjoyable/etc., really has no place in it, and we should get rid of it, or hope for it to pass.  But as a believer, this world is used to point us to the Lord, who we will spend Eternity with, and the hard things- the seasons of life that seem to split us in two- are used by the Lord to show us Who He is. 

 

I have gone to Scripture so much throughout this season of my life, and have been overwhelmed by the examples the Lord gives us in His Word of people He loves deeply, that He showed His glory to through extraordinary circumstances.  I think about Joseph being sold into slavery by his brothers, Job losing absolutely everything, Jonah being swallowed by the whale, and Paul imprisoned, just to name a few.  I think about the horrific circumstances of their lives, and how the Lord used those circumstances to reveal more of Who He is with His people.  It is probable that the world wouldn’t describe these men as having ‘blessed lives’, but they knew that this world was not their home.  They knew that the best was yet to come, and that it is coming.

 

I look at my own life, and I can tell you that I would have been too scared to choose the life the Lord has chosen for me.  And I don’t say this lightly, but I am thankful that He chose to give us Nan.  In those thirty minutes, the Lord allowed us to experience the realness of the resurrection, and we will never again be the same. 

 

I have no idea what you might be facing today.  Whatever your life looks like at this moment- I would challenge you to pray that the Lord would remind your heart to long for your Heavenly home.  I know that sounds like a heavy thing to pray, but as believers, we should long for oneness with Christ.  This world, as beautiful and comfortable as it can be sometimes, is not our home.  But our eternal home is coming.  And this past year- as excruciatingly hard as it has been- has made my heart excited to experience it.      

Comparisons.

We live in a world of comparisons. We compare relationships and possessions. Jobs and seasons of life. Spouses or lack thereof. Children. Bodies. Spirituality. Health. Friendships. Spirituality. Finances. Hardships. Everything. Comparison truly is the thief of joy, and it doesn’t take long for our minds to get us to a place of discontentment simply based at looking at those around us. The problem with comparison is that, from a worldly perspective, there is someone who is always going to be “better off” than us; and there is someone who will always be “worse off” as well. It is all relative. That being said, how fleeting and detrimental is this comparison game we play. But how do we find contentment in a world that constantly invites comparison? How do we get off the hamster wheel of always looking to others as the barometer for our happiness or success? I believe this can only be done when our vision is changed. When we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal (2. Corinthians 4:18). Beyond that, we must fix our eyes on Jesus. Why- Because He is the Author and the Perfector of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). I am forever grateful that while He was enduring the cross for us, He was not playing the comparison game. What He did for us makes our small comparisons look ridiculous. I mean, if it was me, my dialogue would have gone as follows: “Wait- You want me to carry this cross and go through this suffering for all of them? For what they did? So they can live with us forever afterwards? That doesn’t seem fair!”

Jesus, however, being fully God and fully man, did not compare because He found joy in the will of the Father. He knew if it was in God’s Master Plan that it was good. He fixed His eyes on the eternal and not the circumstances or His temporary thoughts or emotions. So, when we are in the midst of wanting to compare any portion of our lives to the lives of those around us, let’s only seek comparison in this:

“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord”- Philippians 3:8.

Let’s set our thermometers of comparison to the one that only finds its comparison against knowing Christ. And everything-everything- is rags when compared to knowing Him. Why?- Because He’s conquered it all! He’s conquered death itself. He’s the source of everything good and above all evil. When compared, He makes all else look like nothing. The Lord offers us up a comparison that will actually bring freedom, not enslavement! It’s so easy for me to compare the challenges of our life to others. Why do our girls have such difficulty with seemingly easy movements? Why do so many people not have to spend their days in therapy and doctors’ appointments? (Although I know many also do!) And social media can make it even worse. (Why does that girl that I’m not even sure I actually know have a two month old that is doing cartwheels already!?) But you know, while I sit and play the comparison game, playing essentially in the mudpies of this earth, I know the Lord is patiently smiling, aware of the treasures that await. As I look to Him and not to those around me, He brings me joy in the here and now and changes my blurry vision to His perfect vision; my tiny perspective to His infinite perspective; the silly comparisons I choose to look at to the only comparison that matters. Friends, everything other than knowing Christ is a loss. It is not because Hugh and I are “good people” that we are able to walk through this journey with hope. Any of you who know as at all know that to be true. We are weak and sinful, and it is quite the opposite. We are at our weakest, but in our weakness, He continues to prove Himself strong and His mighty power is displayed. Compared to the hope we have in that, all other comparisons fade to dust. Let’s lean on His promises today. He is worthy. 

Lessons learned.

I woke up with tears brimming in my eyes today. Tears of joy and of gratitude for all that the next few days represent. This time last year, I was headed to what would be my last doctor’s appointment before our lives were forever changed for the good by our baby girls. For the good.  I was uncomfortable, sick, exhausted (or so I thought… I didn’t quite understand what exhaustion was before I went through the newborn trenches), and mostly anxious for getting our baby girls here “happy and healthy” as we all say (That phrase now is one of my pet peeves, which will be addressed at a later time). We had been praying the Lord would bring us our girls in His perfect timing, not one day sooner or one day later. Hugh had memorized Psalm 139 which is more symbolic than I could have ever known, and we were a lot of things. We were mainly clueless. The beauty of parenthood. We all start out that way, so blissfully ignorant. We have never met our little ones, and we all prepare as best as we can for the journey to come. Girls, on April 23, 2013, there was nothing that could have prepared daddy and I for the beauty and joy that was around the corner on April 24, 2013. There are more lessons that the Lord has taught us through your sweet lives than we could recount, many that are written on the pages of this blog. I will not be able to word or express all that I want to  share with the world as we await your first birthday tomorrow, but I want to give it a try because daddy and I are indebted to you and the lessons that we have learned through your little lives already. In a sense, this is a letter to You, my God; my version of a psalm of praise for giving us more than we could possibly ask for or imagine. (Ephesians 3:20).

When we first found out we were going to have twins, I reacted as gracefully as it comes: I cried profusely as the ultrasound tech attempted to find two heartbeats through my hysterics. She left the room to “give us a moment” (yes, it was awkward), and when Hugh asked me what I was crying for, I said, “I’m scared”. He responded, “Of what?” I quickly sobbed back, “The rest of our lives.” Girls, momma is no longer scared. While you have already brought more twists and turns than we could have ever anticipated, I have learned to celebrate each and every moment of each and every day because of you. I have seen that there is nothing to fear around the corner because God is already there. I never thought I could have survived a year with twins, much less a year with twins as special as you two. But you know what? God is good and  He has already walked this road for us therefore with Him, I have been able to step forward with confidence that whatever comes next is for His glory and our good.  

Ally Ruth and Bailey Grace, we are proud of who you are. Not only that, but we wouldn’t want you to be any different. Your beauty radiates from the inside out. Ally Ruth: your smile is absolutely contagious. Bailey Grace: your easy-going attitude is something that the rest of us would be wise to follow suit on. You both simply make people happy by your mere presence. The best part about this is: it isn’t because of anything you have done or are doing; it’s merely because of who you are as a whole. I could write a novel on all the amazing qualities you possess, but I would be amiss because that’s another lesson we have learned: it is not about you. Or me. Or any of us. It is about Him. You have reminded us that we can see Him in anything and everything, even our worst nightmares, if we just would choose to look. We are so very proud of you both for no reason other than that you are who you are.

There is so much to celebrate tomorrow, but the fact that you are here “happy and healthy” will not be one of them. Karni Liddell, a Paralympics athlete that happens to have Spinal Muscular Atrophy, has said, “What does that even mean?” We have all said it, myself included, but here is the truth: we didn’t just want you here “happy and healthy”. We wanted you here so you could live the lives that God intended you to live, which would ultimately bring eternal joy that stems beyond any temporary happiness or pseudo-healthiness. And, however long He sees fit to keep all of us on this side of heaven, we will all continue to try and live that out, albeit imperfectly. The thing is, you both already seem to be more comfortable in your own skin than most people I know… and that’s contagious. You live life above the circumstances around you, and have taught us to do the same. Sure, we might have thought your first year of life would have included more milestones and less doctor’s appointments; more careless living and less therapy appointments. But, watching you both accept each day with all it entails which such an attitude of contentment and trust has taught your daddy and me to do the same and for that, we wouldn’t change a second of it. I could go on for days, but it is time to feed you guys and I want to breathe in these moments. Bottom line is this: If I could go back and do it ALL again-the constant morning sickness that never seemed to end, the sleepless nights, the unknowns, the worries, the testing, the sheer terror that came the moment I realized that my heart was sliced in two and came out in the form of two precious, beautiful baby girls- I would do it again a hundred times fold. To call being your mommy a privilege would be an understatement. I know I don’t deserve to be. All praise, glory, and honor to the One who gives us grace upon grace in this journey. Lord, THANK YOU. Bailey Grace and Ally Ruth Cheek: we celebrate you today, tomorrow, and every day after that. Happy almost Birthday, sweet girls! 

Fearless.

I am terrified of driving in a thunderstorm. I’m not talking about a little drizzle on your windshield. I’m talking dark contrast up ahead with sudden buckets of water streaming down your car. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. Some might think it is because I have been in a couple of fairly serious wrecks, which sounds appropriate until you realize that both of those occurred on extraordinarily sunny days. It is just one of those things I suppose. We all have them. Those fears that cripple us; the ones that wake us up in the middle of the night, that cause us to stop in our tracks. They can be as big as death itself or as small as a rain cloud. Either way, it all stems from the same place. Fear.

 I have watched several people I know walk through absolutely heart wrenching seasons this year. Friends who have, to put it bluntly, faced their worst nightmares as their new reality. From the outside in, many of you might see our family’s situation as just that. In many ways, you wouldn’t be far from the truth. Our girls still remain undiagnosed. We are in the midst of testing for a couple things that would be on our “worst nightmare” list, and if those come back negative, we will be on the neurologist and geneticist’s list as having something really,really rare that might leave us with a lifetime of unknowns. If we are only two of a handful of people to have a disorder, the likelihood of having a true prognosis is not high. And if I can be candid, this reality full of years of what-ifs and who-knows is almost as terrifying as some of the diagnoses we are waiting to hear back on. We just want to know what we are facing. If  we just knew more about the storm ahead, things would be better. Right?

While this may sound rational, I am convinced this is not the case. Think about it. What if God wrote all the details of your story down for you to read. The different seasons that you would walk through. The highs and lows. Things as raw and real as the day you died. The day your children would die. The cause of these deaths. If you would even be able to have children at all. If you would get married at all. If your loved ones would get cancer. EVERYTHING. Talk about living in fear. This would absolutely cripple us all. Friends, I am convinced that God in His wisdom does not tell us all the details because He delights in walking us through the journey. He wrote it. He has already walked it. And, He has conquered the good, the bad, and the ugly through His death on the cross. He does not give us strength for what will occur tomorrow; but He does promise strength for today. As Psalm 84:7 more eloquently puts it, He walks us through this pilgrimage strength to strength. Grace for today. Because of Christ, we no longer have to fear tomorrow or waste moments worrying about whether or not we will be able to handle all that it may hold. Without God’s saving action in our lives, we would be absolutely powerless to walk through the brokenness and unknowns of tomorrow, much less today. With it, however, we are secure. We can be fearless. My friends Julie and Hannah and their husbands come to mind. Neither of them know the other one, however, they both are walking through similar journeys that the world would call tragic.  But God intended it for good. I am watching them walk through something that even they would have said, “I could never make it through if _______happened.” In their weakness, God has made Himself known and portrayed His strength and they are not only “making it”; an incredible testimony is being left for the glory of God and His kingdom come. And I can imagine that once you have watched the Lord walk you through the unfathomable, your trust and foundation in His promises reaches a level that is unshakeable.

So what about you? The fears you have do not have to be monumental; they just have to be monumental to you. The Lord knows each of our hearts and He cares about all the details of our lives. For me, instead of living in fear of the future or fear of what it might entail, I want to live in light of the glorious news that Christ promises to carry us through every moment of every season, and that He will give us the ability to faithfully serve Him no matter what that looks like. Our hope does not rest in a diagnosis, whether it be what the world would consider good or bad. In God's kingdom, there is no such thing as a bad diagnosis because it is all in His hands and for His good. No fear. Simply resting in His promises. Whether you are stumbling through your hardest days yet or coasting by without a care in the world, I pray you know that He wants to be your Burden-Bearer. No matter what storm clouds are ahead, He has already navigated the way to the eternal sunshine that is up ahead. He’s got this! There is freedom in the fearlessness.

Nevertheless.

“My God is faithful and I believe that He is going to heal me from this cancer.” “God is good. If we wait  patiently, I know He will take away this illness from my child.” “If you just have the faith to believe, God will do whatever you desire.  He loves His children and wants to give them good things!”

               Statements we have all heard throughout our lives, along with many others that internally lean toward the idea that as Christians, if we pray in faith for something, God will give us our every want. Even outside the Christ-following realm, comments such as, “Think positively and imagine that it is as you desire,” or, “Sending warm energy your direction for good things”. Beyond that, I have had many well- meaning individuals say things such as, “Our words are powerful. Claim healing and positive things over your children and God will hear your prayer.” Yes, our words are powerful. That is certainly biblical. The book of James adequately discusses the power of the tongue. To imply that whatever we claim as a believer will come to pass, however, is not biblical. In fact, those words can sting to the core those who have spoken words of life over their sick loved one, only for the loved one to pass way. Tell that to the person that had thousands and thousands of prayer warriors praying for healing over their family member, only to have the sickness end in death. To say that we can escape suffering and illness all together if only we will believe looks ignorant to a watching world that knows that not all things end the way we anticipate nor desire. The Bible does show many instances of healing through faith, and miracles certainly occur in the here and now. So where does this leave us?

               To make myself vulnerable, I have struggled with how to pray for our girls during this time. As I have been reading through the Word, time and time again the Lord performs miracles and heals people of physical ailments simply because they ask in faith. Many modern-day unexplainables (this is not a word, just go with it) have occurred in many people’s lives as well. While I want to pray for complete healing on this side of heaven, I also have not felt comfortable with this. I have wondered if this was because I was afraid that if I trusted God for this and it didn’t happen, where would that leave me? Or, if I did pray this was I preaching the prosperity gospel of rainbows and butterflies that is no gospel at all? The problem in all this is that there are way too many “me’s” thrown into the scenario.  This put the pressure on me and how I prayed instead of looking toward the Lord in His wisdom and comfort. What began to bother me is that I could not find a time in the Word where healing didn’t occur when the person had faith to believe that Jesus would. And then I found this:

“Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” (Matthew 26:39).

A few verses down, Jesus prays again, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may Your will be done.” (verse 42).

There was my answer. There was the Person in Scripture that I had been looking for in all His glory. Jesus. He is the Ultimate Example of praying for another route and trusting God that He had the ability to make a way, yet trusting the cup that the Lord had given Him if not. God’s plan for Jesus was not deliverance from the cup.  Do you think this is because He did not have the faith to believe that God could? Ha. Jesus was fully God and fully man and clearly had been there from the beginning, so He knew God could do all things. He also knew that if this was the road He was to walk, better things awaited.

Yes, God is a God of miracles- this is clear in Scripture. We ARE called to pray fervently and anticipate God hears our prayer and can do that of which we ask. We pray; and then we trust God for whatever comes next. Isaiah 53:5 says that, “He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.” We ARE healed. Moment by moment He is knitting together that which makes us whole. We will not experience the fullness of this healing until we meet Him face to face, but He promises to bring it about.  The One who drank wholly the cup which He prayed could be taken away now comforts us in all of our sufferings. Let’s pray unceasingly all things. Let’s trust that He hears our prayers and has the sovereignty and Lordship to do anything. And if He chooses to answer in a way that doesn’t line up with what we had hoped, be reminded of the words in 1 Peter 4:19, “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good”. 

The Glory in the Cleft.

“Then the Lord said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.”- Exodus 33:21-22

The word cleft is defined as a split or fissure, particularly in a rock or in the ground. I can remember walking along many clefts when Hugh and I went hiking in the Yosemite. There were several times that I was almost afraid of crossing from one side of the rock to the next. At one point, I remember my foot slipping and I quickly realized that standing in the cleft of the rock was my most secure option. Once I balanced myself in the cleft, I caught on to the fact that it was much steadier in the cleft than on the surface of the rock. In the above passage in Scripture, God has asked Moses to allow Him to  put Moses in the cleft of the rock. Why? Because Moses must be covered by Lord’s hand until He Himself has passed by. Moses is confused by this, as he desires to see the Lord, as He is, right then and there. Oh, how I can relate. I want to see the God in all circumstances and situations. I want God to show me His purposes and plans for everything immediately…instant gratification. However, just like with Moses,  God does not tend to grant us this. Why? On earth, we have not yet been perfected. We could simply not handle seeing the Lord as He is on this side of heaven. For now, we must see the Lord from behind… see where He has passed by. While mysterious as it may be, there is so much beauty in knowing that the Lord goes before us! He is leading this journey. He, “hems us in behind and before” (Psalm 139:5). He covers us in the cleft because He knows this is the safest place for us. He.  As a Christian, He promises us that one day, we, “shall see Him face to face…even as I am a fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12). Friends, the second  portion is the part that brings freedom: we are already fully known. As our pastor says, “God has this thing rigged”. He not only knows the full story, He knows you fully as well. Truthfully, I am coming to see that He does this in His goodness. (I know, strange that a good God would act out of His goodness!). Walking through this horribly awesome journey with our girls, I can see that I could not have handled all the details at once. I could not have swallowed or comprehended the challenges and the unknowns that were ahead. I find such joy and excitement in knowing that as we sit in the cleft of the Rock, His glory is passing by. Day by day.  Test by test. Decision by decision. As each new portion of the journey is unveiled, I see His back and I praise Him that He walked it for us so that we did not have to do so. Jesus is carrying this burden for us. The same God-man that said, “Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour?’ No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name!” (John 12:27-28). He is the One doing this thing for us! For me, for our family, for you and yours. As we sit here in a season of waiting for blood work, desiring answers, and doctors claiming they too are perplexed, I breathe in deeply The One that is Never Surprised. When medicine steps out, God steps in and continues to hide us in the cleft. My prayer for you today is that if you find yourself in the cleft, try not to look behind or before. He is there. He is working out all the details. Instead, focus on the hand that covers You. Whether on this side of heaven or the next, You will see His glory. He is always, always working. Rest in Him today. 

Deadlines, Milestones, and Expectations

We live in a world of “should’s” and “supposed to’s”. Sure, we claim that normal is only a setting on a hair dryer, but the economy we have set up proves we believe otherwise in our heart of hearts.  All around us, guidelines are written out to tell us what is appropriate and what is not. From any early age, we are taught these so called norms. “You should be this tall before you ride this ride.” “You should eat your vegetables, but you should enjoy candy more”. “You are supposed to enjoy sports if you are a boy, and barbies if you are a girl”. “You should not pee in the pool”. (Okay, some of these are actually good tidbits of advice). Not all of these things are bad within themselves, but the saga seems to continue in a deeper way the older we become. “You should know what you want to do with your life by the time you graduate high school”. “You should get married sometime in your twenties, and then you should begin having children a couple years later”. Your baby should be born on this day.” “Your child should sit up by six months”. So many unsaid rules posted all around us, and many of them engraved directly on our hearts. So what happens when our lives don’t match up?

February 24^th. The girls' ten month birthday. That was the day the neurologist told us we should write down. If our girls were not sitting up by this point, then we would know something was “wrong” enough to do further testing. I engrained this day in my brain, and as the day came closer (and we were not sitting), I felt my heart sink. However, when I woke up this morning, I had a realization that brought freedom. Our children should not be sitting today. In the world’s economy, in this side of heaven’s rulebook, they absolutely should be. But, frankly, I look around, and it is pretty clear that I would rather live in God’s economy than the one this world has set. His ways are not our ways. His time tables are not our time tables. Zechariah and Elizabeth prayed and prayed for a son. The world said that it was way past time for them to conceive, and that it was probably all wrong, even shameful, that they could not and had not. When they did finally become pregnant (both advanced in years), I highly doubt that they ever cared nor remembered that the world had said it was supposed to happen in a different way. They trusted the Lord. They had their minds set on the big picture and not just a smaller piece of the puzzle. Our specific seasons or situations may not get answered in the way we anticipate on this side of heaven, but we will trust Him to the core. Like Zechariah and Elizabeth, we will hold on to the hope that regardless of what happens in the temporary, our girls will be healed for all eternity. Ally and Bailey Grace are made perfectly in His image. They are developing exactly as He planned before the beginning of time. And although WE had an expectation that appears to not have been met; God is not surprised and is doing all things in HIS timing. As we go back to the neurologist on Friday, I am fixing my eyes on His plans and not the worlds or even my own. I had a friend remind me that in the midst of these appointments, I should be above whatever is being said at all times. My heart should be so set on Christ and the things of eternity that the temporary fades away. I believe this is good wisdom for all of us in any and all situations.

So, what is it for you? What is the deadline you have set that you just can’t seem to meet? The unspoken due date of a season set in your mind? The milestone or the expectation that “has” to be met whenever you, your family, friends, co-workers, strangers, or society says so? Friends, God has not held out on you. He has not made a mistake, never has, and never will.  If you are in the midst of a should or supposed to, rest assured that His grace and provision have triumphed over all. You may be shocked or disappointed, but He is not. He did this.  In Christ, we are promised that every disappointment, unmet expectation, or atypical  circumstance in our lives HAS ALREADY BEEN MET THROUGH HIM THAT LOVES US AND DIED FOR US BEFORE THIS WORLD’S RULEBOOK EVER CAME INTO PLAY. And, let me remind you that He has not forgotten you. He is not holding out on you. He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Yes, friend, even that. This is why we celebrate February 24^th when we could be mourning what isn’t. Because He is faithful.  He is working. He is sovereignly responsible. And, in all things, He is good and He will never forsake us. Our expectations have already been met through the One who is, was, and always will be. Praise and honor be solely to Him. Let’s praise Him in all things today. 

No such thing as mystery.

Truth exists, and then there are lies. There is expectation, and then there is reality. There is the picture in our heads, and then there is the real story. And in the midst of those, God stands firm between the lines. He leads before and behind. (Psalm 139:5). I have spent months praying and contemplating whether or not to share this portion of our family’s journey. It feels more like Ally Ruth and Bailey Grace’s story than mine.  The Lord has clearly directed me to remember this, however: It is NOT their story. It is HIS story. Hugh and I want to teach them that every moment of each of their lives. Any fears I have in sharing this season with you are directly trumped by the glory I KNOW He is receiving. Therein lies our joy. God is working for our good. For Ally and Bailey Grace’s good. And, ultimately, He is bringing out more than we could possibly plan or imagine for the praise of Him and His kingdom. So here we stand.

Throughout my pregnancy, my prayer continued to be two things: that our babies would know the Lord in a real way at a young age, and that he would keep them healthy. Hugh memorized Psalm 139 during those months, and looking back on it, I see the Lord preparing us for where we are now. I was under the assumption that as long as we made it close to full term and there were no complications at birth, we were “in the clear” for any kind of health problems. The girls’ fetal movement remained strong and consistent throughout my pregnancy. Although I went into labor at 33 weeks, they were able to stop the contractions and I continued to carry the babies until almost 37 weeks. The delivery was seamless, and while the girls went to the NICU for a few days out of precaution, nothing led anyone to believe we were bringing home anything other than two typically developing girls.

The months after we brought the girls home remain a blur. Between nourishing two babies, making sure they continued to gain weight, and basically just trying to ensure they (and we!) survived, Hugh and I were busy to say the least. Slowly, the fog was lifted and we began to get used to our new normal. As time passed, it became obvious that there was some delay in the girls’ development. I will spare the internet many of the details, but the crux of everything is: there was a point that I was convinced the Lord was going to take our two babies home. I say this with utter respect for those of you that have lost a child. I do not mean that in a dramatic way at all. But the words, “You give and take away” became very real for me for a few weeks. Many doctors appointments later, there are still no clear cut answers. Some things have been ruled out, but we still lie in the gray.

The one thing that has been determined at this point is that the girls have hypotonia. What has not been determined, however, is what that will mean for them later down the road. In the midst of doctors appointments, physical therapy, and early intervention, we wait. For time to pass. For progress, or lack thereof, to make its course. But at the end of the day, we are not waiting on any of these temporary things. We are waiting on the Lord. We are waiting on the God who is THE Answer to EVERY Mystery. He is NEVER surprised. He is not surprised by your story or mine because HE IS WRITING IT. There are so many things that I want to relay to those of you who are reading this, but my ultimate purpose in sharing this journey is because I am firmly set in the truth that He is intricately sewing together the details of all of our lives… and ALL the details are good. Whether we would have been told that the girls have a life-threatening disease or whether this turns out to be a “simple” developmental delay that is healed in time, He continues to be good and perfect in our midst.

There has never been a season of life that God has transformed my heart (or my marriage) more. I cannot express how supported Hugh and I feel by the body of Christ. How our community has continued to encourage us. I  cannot tell you that there has not been suffering . Comparison is the stealer of joy, and we have had to fight to remember that, just as Hugh memorized months ago, our girls are FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. There is so much beauty in being able to celebrate and appreciate every milestone met, no matter how delayed. What I also want to portray and reveal to a watching world is that we rejoice in our sufferings because God never said that there would not be tribulations on this earth. The Lord sent His only Son to SUFFER. I have often found comfort in this truth: Jesus’ purpose on this earth was solely that. To suffer for our sins. He counted it as a privilege because He was able to see the big picture. The glory in the aftermath. And while our humanity and flesh limits us from doing that, we can trust in the One who not only sees it, but who painted it. We Christians have too often  made it seem like if you follow Jesus, you will be “blessed” according to the worlds’ standards. This couldn’t be further from the truth.  The Word of God does not define blessing as the world does. But there is BLESSING IN OUR SUFFERING because the MORE WE SUFFER, THE MORE LIKE CHRIST WE BECOME.

So here we stand. In the gray. Without answers. With anxieties, sadness, disappointment, and fears. But more importantly, with our unchanging and sovereign God. This is His story. And so is yours. We can escape the bitterness and callous heart that comes from hard things when we look to Him as the Giver of ALL good gifts. If He has given it to you… it is good. This might sting today. It may not make sense today. Rest assured, the Lord grieves with us in our sorrows as well. But He allows circumstances and portions of our stories to enter because He sees the beauty around the bend. While, of course, we are praying that God would heal the girls of any delay or atypical development that is occurring, we also are ready to praise Him and trust Him if He, in His wisdom, chooses not to. And this, my friends, is where freedom lies. There is eternal beauty in the waiting. What an incredible, merciful God we serve. He brings beauty from all of our ashes. He loves us. Oh, how He loves us. 

I still have a flabby belly, and other confessions of a professing Christian

        My stomach does not look how it used to look. I realize that I just had twins a couple months ago, blah blah blah, but that's not the point. The point is that you could see a picture of me right now and have no idea that behind closed doors, I appear in no way what I used to appear. These aren't the only things that are seemingly hidden. From pictures posted and small talk had, it could seem as though twins were a "challenge" but that things were going "great". After all, the moments where both babies are screaming and I am crying and texting their dad that he "has to get home and feed them a bottle or I am going to go crazy" aren't exactly social media friendly. My entire life has been this way in some form or fashion. In a sense all our lives have. There is something within each of us that wants to "post" or "broadcast" the beautiful and neglect to mention the broken. As I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to the girls this morning, God shed light onto some truth. We were reading from Matthew 2 where the wise men went to see Jesus and assumed He was in a palace or somewhere all "king-like". Instead, however, they found Him in a stable- so not glamorous and so not what the world would see as appropriate. Looking at scripture, however, this is how God always seems to do things. Different than what the world would consider and mysteriously "other" to us as finite humans. After all, Jesus- God's only Son- had one purpose on this earth and it revolved around suffering for the sake of others. But what did this suffering bring? Ultimately, it brought glory and good. Why, as a mere human being, would I expect my road to be any different? You see, I have always wanted to do something "big" for God. My prayer has continually been that He would use me in ways that would "ultimately, bring glory and good". If Jesus Himself did this through suffering and through being born in a stable, I should not be surprised if my purpose does not reveal itself through the same. In this season of life, my suffering has been revealed through motherhood (yes, I called motherhood suffering). Is it wonderful? Absolutely. Rewarding? Of course. But, just like Christ's days on this earth, it is tainted with less than pretty circumstances and ugly bits and pieces of this imperfect world. And, as a Christ follower, the very last thing I ever want to do is to make it seem like it is ME that this story revolves around, and that the story is spotless and full of rainbows and butterflies each moment. No. Many moments, I am covered in spit up, breast milk, and tears, and every moment, I am having to cry out for God to sustain me. HE is my portion. HE is what is making me and the rest of this world whole. And if I ever have-or ever do- model that I am a "good person" trying to do "good things" all with a smile on my face, than I am no different than the Pharisees and have missed the point all together. Friends, Christianity could not be further from that picture. As a Christian, I am professing that I believe that I don't have the ability to do it on my own. That whether I am covered in baby throw up and feeling weak ; or watching my twins sleep peacefully, doing five loads of laundry, cooking a gourmet meal and doing P90X all at the same time, all is grace and I need Christ to be my all in each and every moment. The freedom and beauty in this is that some days, it is going to feel like things are together and I can praise Him for that. Other days, I am going to feel like an absolute mess and I can still rest in knowing that He's covered those days too. This is joy. Happiness? Not always. But true joy that comes from knowing that it is not about me. So I can confess my flabby belly, panicked mom moments, and selfish tendencies because in my weakness, He is strong and He is using even those for eternal purposes. My prayer today is that if you are reading this God would open your heart to this reality. Flabby belly and all, He loves you and is weaving together each and every broken and beautiful piece of your life for good. Relish in the freedom today and if you have never accepted this as truth, please please please explore further or ask me more. Eternity depends on it.

Psalm 139.

"For You formed me in my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- Psalm 139:13-16a

This is going to be a very raw, not thought-out post. It comes directly from a pregnant momma's heart. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I found myself so convinced of God's sovereignty and plan in it all. I was completely comfortable with my "out of controlness" in our pregnancy and in the future He had planned for us. But as days turned to weeks and weeks have turned to months, anxiety has creeped in as it sneakily can. I found myself weeping when we hit "the week of viability". Weeping because I was so grateful; and weeping because the closer it gets to our due date, the more desperately I want healthy, fully developed little ones. You see, I had gone from "whatever You will" to frantically trying to grab onto what I wanted the story to look like. The problem in that, as we all know, is that there is no way of knowing the different chapters of the story. Beyond that, the story is not about you, is not about me, and is not about these sweet baby girls. The story is about Him. And as His child, I must trust that He works ALL things together for good. That I may not know or get all the details of the plan, and that seemingly hard times may arise, but that He is still wholly good. As I was meditating on Psalm 139 (which my amazing, God-fearing husband is memorizing during this pregnancy might I add), God spoke so many truths to me through the different portions of the scripture. I pray He uses those realities to speak into your life tonight as well.

"For You formed me in my inward parts, You knitted me together in my mother's womb..."- Simple enough. He formed us. Each and every one of us. In the midst of our sin, in the midst of our disabilities, problems, and disillusions, He formed us. We did not form ourselves (nor one another) so who are we to question anything about how we or others were made?

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."- Purely stated, not only did He state, "It is good" as He was knitting each of us together, our souls, the depths of who we are, knows that truth. At the core of who you and I are, we are aware that there is beauty in each and every one of us. Why? Because of the One who fearfully and wonderfully created us.

"My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth..."- I am just SO ready to see these girls. To meet them, to look at their precious little fingers and toes...He is RIGHT THERE with them as they are being created BY HIM. There is so much that is still "secret" to Hugh and I about our daughters; but He is intimately with them already.

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- He knew each of us before we were a thought or possibility in others' minds. He already knows each and every day of the lives of our unborn children because He determined them long ago.

As He gently reminded me of these truths tonight, the Lord whispered to my heart, "If this is all true, don't you think you can trust my heart and my plans for the daughters I have entrusted to your family? If I am the One who thought of them, who thought of you, before the beginning of time, and if I am the One who has been knitting them together so delicately in your very womb, aren't I to be trusted with every detail of their future?" YES, Lord. You absolutely are. So, my friends, whether I meet my little girls tomorrow or 10 weeks from now... He is in charge. And that is GOOD news.

 

THE Sacrifice.

As we were worshipping in church on Sunday, the line of the song said, "You are the sacrifice, Jesus Son of God". I have praised the Lord through these words many times, but it hit me on a different level on Sunday. So often, it does feel like I am the one making the sacrifices in this faith journey. While that sounds prideful, it is just real. It is easy to look around at those who aren't giving their time, money, and energy toward the Gospel and think that they have it easy. Don't get me wrong, many days and seasons I am more than aware that He is the only one that satisfies, the only abundant and fulfilling way to life. Deep inside my soul, I know this truth. But to be authentic (and I believe that is what we are called to be) it is not always that way. Some days, I would rather spend the money the Lord has given us on selfish things, on temporary things. Many days, I find it easier to check my facebook account than "log-in" to God's throne and His word. This is just the sinfulness and waywardness of who I am in my flesh. As I listened to the words of that particular song on Sunday, however, I realized something: Jesus, You are THE Sacrifice. You came down to earth (when you did not have to) to give your perfect Self for imperfect humanity (who would spend many moments not only not thanking You; but often denying You all together). That makes Him THE Sacrifice. What could I ever give up that possibly trumps that? Even if I gave up my life here on earth, my track record is no where near perfect aside from Christ, and what I would be giving up would not even come close to Him giving up His life. Plus, He has offered us all ETERNAL life, so giving up my temporary life is not even that much of a sacrifice in light of the Gospel. Acts 17:24-25 says this:

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything, because He Himself gives all men life and breath and everything else."

What sacrifice could I possibly think I'm making in light of this? In light of what His sacrifice has offered me, offered us, from now until forever?!

David Livingston, a missionary in Africa during the 1800s, seemed to grasp this truth. When asked about the sacrifices that he had made by choosing a life in Africa he would always respond, "I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk of "sacrifice" when we remember the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father's throne on high to give Himself for us."

As Gospel-believing Christians, we know this truth in our heads, but do we truly hold on to it in our day to day living? Brothers and sisters, He IS the Sacrifice. He already sacrificed it all. Anything we seemingly give up on this earth is only a grain of sand in comparison to what He offers us both now and always. Let's offer Him up a gift of gratitude and praise today for the privilege of being able to serve Him with our lives.

What about YOU?

"Your love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, it NEVER runs out on me..."-Kristian Stanfill, This One Thing
"Praise the Lord! He is good. His love never fails..."-Psalm 136:1

         These are just two of the MANY examples, through scripture, song, and voice, that remind us of God's unconditional, complete, unfailing love. As much as I stray DAILY- His love NEVER fails, NEVER gives up, NEVER runs out on me. So what about ME?
          So often, I look at others' attitude, inconsistencies, and motives toward me in the midst of promises such as these. (No matter what so and so said or did to me, God's love will never fail me like that. No matter how other people misunderstood me or gave me "the short end of the stick", He will never do that to me.) What about ME? How often do I fail, give up on others, or run out in the tough times? The cross overcame those. The birth of Jesus WAS the cross of Jesus. God's acceptance of a season in an earthly body was His way of shouting to a dead world, "This is what I have chosen for you. I choose you. In all your sin, in all your humanity. In your frailty, in your ever-changing emotions, I choose you." The birth of Jesus wasn't just a sweet little manger scene with a newborn and his parents... it was God's "Yes" to choosing us in all our mess and filth. We should not only reflect on Jesus' birth during Christmas, we should meditate on what that entails- on the big, beautiful, glorious picture. Jesus' birth signifies (eternal) LIFE for those who accept His gift. It represents forever victory of God. It reflects God's purposed, confident plan from the beginning of time. It wasn't Plan B. It was THE Plan made known from before our existence. (John 1:1-5). So in the next few days, take some time to see yourself in the midst of the birth story. Not just the person who steals your parking spot in the mall. Not only that relative you just can't stand to be around. Not just the mass murderers of the world (although all these should be reflected in the light of Christ as well). See yourself in all YOUR "stuff". In your past, present, and future misakes and humanity. And in the midst of that, see a Christ that cries out from before His very first breath on earth, "I choose you. I choose THIS for YOU." What an incredibly mysterious and miraculous God we serve. And with that, Merry Christmas.

 

The Book with All the Answers.

I love books. I always have. When I was a child, I would bring a flashlight to movie theaters so that I could finish a few chapters during the movie (not sure that it was always money well-spent!). I do believe the Lord inspires and gifts others to share their experiences and wisdom through writing, and that books are a wonderful source of encouragement and inspiration for others (otherwise I do not think I would have a blog!) However, I do believe that sometimes there is a temptation for me, and others, to look to others' words before we look to THE Book, with words from the One who IS Wisdom. This morning, as I sat and thought about what devotional I wanted to pick up, I had a realization: I didn't need another good quote, another's words to speak the Lord's truths to me. I simply needed Christ Himself. So, I picked up my Bible and nothing else, and began to flip through His Scriptures, all bathed in His glorious promises...and I was refreshed. I know this is an elementary truth for a believer, but I do think it's something we often don't live by. As Americans, the culture around us has infiltrated us with SO many options that can distract us. We go into the grocery to buy milk, and suddenly we have spent ten minutes figuring out whether to buy whole, D, Skim, 2%, 1%, organic, DHA-infused, and all the options in between. Every decision we make, whether materialistic or personal, has so many routes to take; so many detailed differences... even in the church we choose to attend!
Since being pregnant, I have had numerous well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers tell me various books I should read. Each of these has different opinions on the best way to parent. Some of them are even Christian-based with lots of great biblically-inspired thoughts to give. Like I said, I thinks books can be great. But as I sat on my couch, being rejuvenated and gaining wisdom through God's words and His Word alone, I realized something: He is all I need to raise these babies. No book, no method, no advice, will ever come close to touching His answers and assurance found through communication, communion, and time with Him and the only Book that we can truly trust for all seasons of life.
I have no idea what it is like to be a mother. I don't know what it feels like to stay up all night with (two) screaming children, to live days exhausted and spent, to entertain (two) children all day long. But I do know what God says about their lives. Psalm 139 says that He has knit them in my womb, and that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 78:5 states that my purpose is to teach them God's truths, of His love for them, so that they can pass it on for generation to generation. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that He has a plan for them, and that the plan includes giving them HOPE and a FUTURE. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 commands me to impress the love for and of God on their hearts. 1 John 3:1 says that above all else, we are children of God and our identity is found in that alone. When I become overwhelmed with knowing which book to read or which way to raise these precious children, I can rest assured that all I need to know is found in His word that He has imprinted and entrusted to me for all eternity. He is Sovereign, and He desires for us to rest in simply and wholly knowing and trusting Him to handle ALL the details, seasons, and issues of our lives.
No matter what is going on in your life- whether you are single, married, childless, or have more children than you can sometimes count- all you need to know to live in peace in this moment is found in Him. Look to His Book and His presence in any and all circumstances, and He will make your paths straight.

He heals us.

It seems like each and every day is full of such pain and sickness. Between turning on the television and seeing the starving children all around the world and going to bible study and hearing the numerous accounts of family members with illness, cancer, and suffering, it sometimes feels like evil abounds. And I have a confession to make: after praying and praying for so many loved ones to be "healed" from various things, and watching them continue to suffer, I often have the thought of, "What's the point?" What's the point of our prayers if ultimately God is going to do His thing either way anyway? Truthfully, it just doesn't make sense. Between all the accounts of Jesus healing the sick (Matthew 4:23-24 being a prime example), it can appear that there is a disconnect between what used to occur in biblical times and what happens now. As I was pondering on these thoughts this morning, God brought to my attention (as He is so perfectly timed at doing) a great truth. Jesus did spend His time on earth healing the sick and binding wounds, but He was very purposeful in the where, how, and who. Was it because He had favorites? No. I believe it was because sometimes the ultimate healing comes through the sickness. Think about it. Matthew 10:28 says, "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul...". Matthew 26:41 says that our spirits our willing but our bodies are weak. This can only lead us to know that these physical bodies are not the whole to-do. Anyone who has suffered from chronic illness or cancer knows the painful truth that our bodies are weak and can be destroyed in the blink of an eye. On a lesser note, I have walked through this first trimester with sickness day after day. I have prayed to feel better, prayed for energy to get out of bed and make it to work, prayed for some relief from the nausea and exhaustion...and truthfully, it hasn't really let up. As I have prayed, however, something has let up: my desire for things to go "my way". My assumption that I know what's best for my body or, ultimately, my soul. The truth is, this sickness may be my grace for this season. This sickness is God's blessing upon me for now, teaching me perseverance and joy beyond circumstances. And learning to rejoice in the midst of that? A privilege. The truth is, as Christians, our bodies are a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). The beauty of the sacrifice is that by giving up our weak and mortal bodies, we take on His body- the body of our perfect, unblemished Savior- as our very own! And His body, given for us, is EVERLASTING. (Matthew 26:26). Free from sickness. Free from cancer. Free from imperfection. Free from sin. His to ours. No matter what suffering you or your family are walking through, just remember this: He may bring physical healing on this side of eternity, He may choose not to do so. Either way, His promise to us is still clear: our souls are 100% whole and healthy because of Christ, and one day we will be able to understand how finite our physical ailments were in comparison to the glory His body is bringing forth for eternity.

HIS Story.

I am a control freak. I make daily to-do lists, organize my grocery list according to where things are located in the store, and like to have my week semi-planned out by Monday. Obnoxious? Sometimes. It's just sort of how I'm wired. Ever since I started understanding what it meant to truly find freedom in surrendering to the Lord, it has been a constant back and forth battle of me thinking I was "giving God the reigns" and then me "taking control back". Sure, many life events have hinted to me that God was in control the whole time, but if I'm truly honest, something deep inside me thought that I still had something to do with things; that my planning and strategizing through life made a difference somehow in the way things played out. And then we saw the ultrasound.
To be completely candid, I was still in shock that we were having ONE baby; but was grateful and starting to get into my typical list and planning mode. I know you already mamas are laughing out there, but I really was beginning to feel like I was going to be able to wrap my brain around how to be a calm, cool, and collected parent by time May rolled around. And then we saw the ultrasound.
I would like to say that I was overcome with joy whenever the technician said, "Well guys, there's two sacs!" Initially, I was just sort of confused by what she meant. Sure, Hugh is a twin; but the gene is usually carried in the girl and almost always skips a generation anyway. Yes, I'd been really sick and crazy exhausted, but I just thought that's what happened when you were pregnant and that I just needed to suck it up! Once I realized what she was saying, inconsolable bawling ensued. My sweet, laid back husband continued to interact with her as she showed us both babies (in separate sacs!) and let us listen to both heartbeats (both sounding great!) The thoughts that were running through my head ranged from, "How are we going to afford this?" to "How am I going to survive carrying twins much less raising them?!" to all kinds of things... the bottom line is this: In that moment, I realized at a deeper level than ever that I have absolutely NO control over "my" life. To those of you that don't struggle with control, this is probably a no-brainer. For me, this was pivotal. In the days to come, I truly have been able to find freedom in really recognizing that any pseudo control I thought that I had over "my" life story was just that---not real! He is in control whether we recognize it or not; and He is going to bring to pass those things that He chooses! Hugh and I could have never written this story the way He is playing it out... but it is PERFECT because it's in His plans!
So here's the deal: many people probably think that announcing a high-risk pregnancy so early is probably a bad idea; and I can't say I haven't had the thought. We are fully aware that there are so many things that could happen in the next few months/years/decades. I just strongly believe that He doesn't doubly bless you without wanting you to share that journey with the people around you. We need your prayers! This is not going to be a place where I share how I am feeling, what I'm craving, etc. (I'm pregnant with twins. I'm feeling pretty awful most of the time... it's to be expected!) I also am not going to share weekly photo updates. (If you are curious, google image "pregnant with twins". You'll get the point. Yes, I'm going to be huge!) I really don't want this to be about me, or Hugh, or even the twins... I want it to be about Him. These are His children that He is entrusting to us, and He is writing this story (along with yours and mine). Let this serve as a reminder today for all of us that not only is He in control of it all, but He is bringing about His perfect will in each of our lives. He is planning absolutely more than we could dream up or imagine!

The Sin that Lurks Within

       Sometimes I am so aware of the sin that lurks within me. Not necessarily the external obvious things that others see; but the day to day selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of trust, and overall discontent that can creep up. As I was listening to Pandora this morning, a Casting Crown song from years past came on. I heard a line that I have never paid close attention to-"Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness"- and I was reminded that He truly has cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. As much as I hear this truth, the knowledge that because of Christ, my  sins are literally cast out and remembered no more, I must confess my mind struggles to trust this. It hit me today how distrusting and prideful it is for me-for us- to dwell on the sin God has purposefully left alone. After all, isn't that what Christ came and suffered for? How dare I focus on that which God Himself has disassociated from!? Scripture is clear that we are to trust God with ALL our sins; trust that He completely erased any and all misdemeanors, mistakes, felonies, filth, evil, etc. from our record. So who am I to spend much of my day- or any of my day for that matter- emeshed in my own personal checklist of sins? Did Christ die so I could stay overwhelmed in my own mess?! No. Quite the opposite actually. If I believe that Christ died so that we could be clean and righteous in His sight, and if this is the message I long for my life to preach, I must live that way day in, day out. I must not get caught up in the mess of me; instead, I must gratefully and humbly accept that He has saved me, even from myself. What gratitude and awe my heart feels as I fix my eyes on Him and this promise! Friends, let's choose to not get caught up in our own "stuff" today. Let's choose to focus on the One that took care of it all at the cross. He is faithful.

All is grace.

It has been a while since I've shared my heart here. For some reason, I have not quite felt a sure message develop. So many wonderful things have been going on; so many life changes have come to fruition. As I was reading the end of, "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp, these words captured my heart:
     "Blessings keep our awareness of life's Holy potential ever present. They awaken us to our lives...with each blessing uttered we extend the boundaries of the sacred and ritualise our love of life. One hundred times a day, everywhere we turn, everything we touch, everyone we see. The blessings can be whispered. No one even need hear. No one but the Holy One."
First of all, God has used this book to awaken my soul to the vitality of praise, of thanks. I would like to consider myself a fairly grateful person, but do I acknowlege my thanks to God for ALL? Not just for the big things or the "yes" answered prayers. For the small, little blessings showered throughout my day. For the things that appear as suffering that God has promised are blessings in disguise. Yes, even that things that have devastated me; that temporarily made me doubt God's goodness at all. All is grace. This is not a pretty piece of wrapping paper to put around the hardships of our life in order to "cover" for God. No. God does not need my rationalizations concerning His ways, and I shudder to think I live sometimes as if He did. All is grace.

• My newfound discovery of half and half- not the fat free stuff, the real thing- coffee will never taste the same.
• My sweet puppies cuddled up in the grass, napping in the sunshine.
• A text message from a dear friend who I haven't seen in a while.
• The endurance the Lord has given my husband to make it through over 90 hours of work this week.
• Moments of solitude with the Lord as the birds chirp.
• Hugh's favorite OJ on sale, two for one.
• A couple hours of alonetime with delivery pizza, milkshakes, and the Braves.
• New friendships forming with some incredible women and some wonderful neighbors.
• A Gospel-preaching church that we feel connected to and challenged by every Sunday.
• Opportunities at work that make me realize His power is made perfect in my weakness.
• The emptiness and discontentment that continue to creep up, only to remind me that regardless, my satisfaction is fond solely in Him, no matter the circumstances.

The list could go on and on, as I'm sure yours could too if you will open up your eyes and heart to see. I never ask for comments, but I would LOVE to know some of your "graces", this morning- the good and the seemingly bad that God is turning into good. Let's lift up our praises to Him; trusting that each and every moment is full of His love and grace.