Deadlines, Milestones, and Expectations

We live in a world of “should’s” and “supposed to’s”. Sure, we claim that normal is only a setting on a hair dryer, but the economy we have set up proves we believe otherwise in our heart of hearts.  All around us, guidelines are written out to tell us what is appropriate and what is not. From any early age, we are taught these so called norms. “You should be this tall before you ride this ride.” “You should eat your vegetables, but you should enjoy candy more”. “You are supposed to enjoy sports if you are a boy, and barbies if you are a girl”. “You should not pee in the pool”. (Okay, some of these are actually good tidbits of advice). Not all of these things are bad within themselves, but the saga seems to continue in a deeper way the older we become. “You should know what you want to do with your life by the time you graduate high school”. “You should get married sometime in your twenties, and then you should begin having children a couple years later”. Your baby should be born on this day.” “Your child should sit up by six months”. So many unsaid rules posted all around us, and many of them engraved directly on our hearts. So what happens when our lives don’t match up?

February 24^th. The girls' ten month birthday. That was the day the neurologist told us we should write down. If our girls were not sitting up by this point, then we would know something was “wrong” enough to do further testing. I engrained this day in my brain, and as the day came closer (and we were not sitting), I felt my heart sink. However, when I woke up this morning, I had a realization that brought freedom. Our children should not be sitting today. In the world’s economy, in this side of heaven’s rulebook, they absolutely should be. But, frankly, I look around, and it is pretty clear that I would rather live in God’s economy than the one this world has set. His ways are not our ways. His time tables are not our time tables. Zechariah and Elizabeth prayed and prayed for a son. The world said that it was way past time for them to conceive, and that it was probably all wrong, even shameful, that they could not and had not. When they did finally become pregnant (both advanced in years), I highly doubt that they ever cared nor remembered that the world had said it was supposed to happen in a different way. They trusted the Lord. They had their minds set on the big picture and not just a smaller piece of the puzzle. Our specific seasons or situations may not get answered in the way we anticipate on this side of heaven, but we will trust Him to the core. Like Zechariah and Elizabeth, we will hold on to the hope that regardless of what happens in the temporary, our girls will be healed for all eternity. Ally and Bailey Grace are made perfectly in His image. They are developing exactly as He planned before the beginning of time. And although WE had an expectation that appears to not have been met; God is not surprised and is doing all things in HIS timing. As we go back to the neurologist on Friday, I am fixing my eyes on His plans and not the worlds or even my own. I had a friend remind me that in the midst of these appointments, I should be above whatever is being said at all times. My heart should be so set on Christ and the things of eternity that the temporary fades away. I believe this is good wisdom for all of us in any and all situations.

So, what is it for you? What is the deadline you have set that you just can’t seem to meet? The unspoken due date of a season set in your mind? The milestone or the expectation that “has” to be met whenever you, your family, friends, co-workers, strangers, or society says so? Friends, God has not held out on you. He has not made a mistake, never has, and never will.  If you are in the midst of a should or supposed to, rest assured that His grace and provision have triumphed over all. You may be shocked or disappointed, but He is not. He did this.  In Christ, we are promised that every disappointment, unmet expectation, or atypical  circumstance in our lives HAS ALREADY BEEN MET THROUGH HIM THAT LOVES US AND DIED FOR US BEFORE THIS WORLD’S RULEBOOK EVER CAME INTO PLAY. And, let me remind you that He has not forgotten you. He is not holding out on you. He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Yes, friend, even that. This is why we celebrate February 24^th when we could be mourning what isn’t. Because He is faithful.  He is working. He is sovereignly responsible. And, in all things, He is good and He will never forsake us. Our expectations have already been met through the One who is, was, and always will be. Praise and honor be solely to Him. Let’s praise Him in all things today. 

No such thing as mystery.

Truth exists, and then there are lies. There is expectation, and then there is reality. There is the picture in our heads, and then there is the real story. And in the midst of those, God stands firm between the lines. He leads before and behind. (Psalm 139:5). I have spent months praying and contemplating whether or not to share this portion of our family’s journey. It feels more like Ally Ruth and Bailey Grace’s story than mine.  The Lord has clearly directed me to remember this, however: It is NOT their story. It is HIS story. Hugh and I want to teach them that every moment of each of their lives. Any fears I have in sharing this season with you are directly trumped by the glory I KNOW He is receiving. Therein lies our joy. God is working for our good. For Ally and Bailey Grace’s good. And, ultimately, He is bringing out more than we could possibly plan or imagine for the praise of Him and His kingdom. So here we stand.

Throughout my pregnancy, my prayer continued to be two things: that our babies would know the Lord in a real way at a young age, and that he would keep them healthy. Hugh memorized Psalm 139 during those months, and looking back on it, I see the Lord preparing us for where we are now. I was under the assumption that as long as we made it close to full term and there were no complications at birth, we were “in the clear” for any kind of health problems. The girls’ fetal movement remained strong and consistent throughout my pregnancy. Although I went into labor at 33 weeks, they were able to stop the contractions and I continued to carry the babies until almost 37 weeks. The delivery was seamless, and while the girls went to the NICU for a few days out of precaution, nothing led anyone to believe we were bringing home anything other than two typically developing girls.

The months after we brought the girls home remain a blur. Between nourishing two babies, making sure they continued to gain weight, and basically just trying to ensure they (and we!) survived, Hugh and I were busy to say the least. Slowly, the fog was lifted and we began to get used to our new normal. As time passed, it became obvious that there was some delay in the girls’ development. I will spare the internet many of the details, but the crux of everything is: there was a point that I was convinced the Lord was going to take our two babies home. I say this with utter respect for those of you that have lost a child. I do not mean that in a dramatic way at all. But the words, “You give and take away” became very real for me for a few weeks. Many doctors appointments later, there are still no clear cut answers. Some things have been ruled out, but we still lie in the gray.

The one thing that has been determined at this point is that the girls have hypotonia. What has not been determined, however, is what that will mean for them later down the road. In the midst of doctors appointments, physical therapy, and early intervention, we wait. For time to pass. For progress, or lack thereof, to make its course. But at the end of the day, we are not waiting on any of these temporary things. We are waiting on the Lord. We are waiting on the God who is THE Answer to EVERY Mystery. He is NEVER surprised. He is not surprised by your story or mine because HE IS WRITING IT. There are so many things that I want to relay to those of you who are reading this, but my ultimate purpose in sharing this journey is because I am firmly set in the truth that He is intricately sewing together the details of all of our lives… and ALL the details are good. Whether we would have been told that the girls have a life-threatening disease or whether this turns out to be a “simple” developmental delay that is healed in time, He continues to be good and perfect in our midst.

There has never been a season of life that God has transformed my heart (or my marriage) more. I cannot express how supported Hugh and I feel by the body of Christ. How our community has continued to encourage us. I  cannot tell you that there has not been suffering . Comparison is the stealer of joy, and we have had to fight to remember that, just as Hugh memorized months ago, our girls are FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. There is so much beauty in being able to celebrate and appreciate every milestone met, no matter how delayed. What I also want to portray and reveal to a watching world is that we rejoice in our sufferings because God never said that there would not be tribulations on this earth. The Lord sent His only Son to SUFFER. I have often found comfort in this truth: Jesus’ purpose on this earth was solely that. To suffer for our sins. He counted it as a privilege because He was able to see the big picture. The glory in the aftermath. And while our humanity and flesh limits us from doing that, we can trust in the One who not only sees it, but who painted it. We Christians have too often  made it seem like if you follow Jesus, you will be “blessed” according to the worlds’ standards. This couldn’t be further from the truth.  The Word of God does not define blessing as the world does. But there is BLESSING IN OUR SUFFERING because the MORE WE SUFFER, THE MORE LIKE CHRIST WE BECOME.

So here we stand. In the gray. Without answers. With anxieties, sadness, disappointment, and fears. But more importantly, with our unchanging and sovereign God. This is His story. And so is yours. We can escape the bitterness and callous heart that comes from hard things when we look to Him as the Giver of ALL good gifts. If He has given it to you… it is good. This might sting today. It may not make sense today. Rest assured, the Lord grieves with us in our sorrows as well. But He allows circumstances and portions of our stories to enter because He sees the beauty around the bend. While, of course, we are praying that God would heal the girls of any delay or atypical development that is occurring, we also are ready to praise Him and trust Him if He, in His wisdom, chooses not to. And this, my friends, is where freedom lies. There is eternal beauty in the waiting. What an incredible, merciful God we serve. He brings beauty from all of our ashes. He loves us. Oh, how He loves us. 

I still have a flabby belly, and other confessions of a professing Christian

        My stomach does not look how it used to look. I realize that I just had twins a couple months ago, blah blah blah, but that's not the point. The point is that you could see a picture of me right now and have no idea that behind closed doors, I appear in no way what I used to appear. These aren't the only things that are seemingly hidden. From pictures posted and small talk had, it could seem as though twins were a "challenge" but that things were going "great". After all, the moments where both babies are screaming and I am crying and texting their dad that he "has to get home and feed them a bottle or I am going to go crazy" aren't exactly social media friendly. My entire life has been this way in some form or fashion. In a sense all our lives have. There is something within each of us that wants to "post" or "broadcast" the beautiful and neglect to mention the broken. As I was reading the Jesus Storybook Bible to the girls this morning, God shed light onto some truth. We were reading from Matthew 2 where the wise men went to see Jesus and assumed He was in a palace or somewhere all "king-like". Instead, however, they found Him in a stable- so not glamorous and so not what the world would see as appropriate. Looking at scripture, however, this is how God always seems to do things. Different than what the world would consider and mysteriously "other" to us as finite humans. After all, Jesus- God's only Son- had one purpose on this earth and it revolved around suffering for the sake of others. But what did this suffering bring? Ultimately, it brought glory and good. Why, as a mere human being, would I expect my road to be any different? You see, I have always wanted to do something "big" for God. My prayer has continually been that He would use me in ways that would "ultimately, bring glory and good". If Jesus Himself did this through suffering and through being born in a stable, I should not be surprised if my purpose does not reveal itself through the same. In this season of life, my suffering has been revealed through motherhood (yes, I called motherhood suffering). Is it wonderful? Absolutely. Rewarding? Of course. But, just like Christ's days on this earth, it is tainted with less than pretty circumstances and ugly bits and pieces of this imperfect world. And, as a Christ follower, the very last thing I ever want to do is to make it seem like it is ME that this story revolves around, and that the story is spotless and full of rainbows and butterflies each moment. No. Many moments, I am covered in spit up, breast milk, and tears, and every moment, I am having to cry out for God to sustain me. HE is my portion. HE is what is making me and the rest of this world whole. And if I ever have-or ever do- model that I am a "good person" trying to do "good things" all with a smile on my face, than I am no different than the Pharisees and have missed the point all together. Friends, Christianity could not be further from that picture. As a Christian, I am professing that I believe that I don't have the ability to do it on my own. That whether I am covered in baby throw up and feeling weak ; or watching my twins sleep peacefully, doing five loads of laundry, cooking a gourmet meal and doing P90X all at the same time, all is grace and I need Christ to be my all in each and every moment. The freedom and beauty in this is that some days, it is going to feel like things are together and I can praise Him for that. Other days, I am going to feel like an absolute mess and I can still rest in knowing that He's covered those days too. This is joy. Happiness? Not always. But true joy that comes from knowing that it is not about me. So I can confess my flabby belly, panicked mom moments, and selfish tendencies because in my weakness, He is strong and He is using even those for eternal purposes. My prayer today is that if you are reading this God would open your heart to this reality. Flabby belly and all, He loves you and is weaving together each and every broken and beautiful piece of your life for good. Relish in the freedom today and if you have never accepted this as truth, please please please explore further or ask me more. Eternity depends on it.

Psalm 139.

"For You formed me in my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- Psalm 139:13-16a

This is going to be a very raw, not thought-out post. It comes directly from a pregnant momma's heart. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I found myself so convinced of God's sovereignty and plan in it all. I was completely comfortable with my "out of controlness" in our pregnancy and in the future He had planned for us. But as days turned to weeks and weeks have turned to months, anxiety has creeped in as it sneakily can. I found myself weeping when we hit "the week of viability". Weeping because I was so grateful; and weeping because the closer it gets to our due date, the more desperately I want healthy, fully developed little ones. You see, I had gone from "whatever You will" to frantically trying to grab onto what I wanted the story to look like. The problem in that, as we all know, is that there is no way of knowing the different chapters of the story. Beyond that, the story is not about you, is not about me, and is not about these sweet baby girls. The story is about Him. And as His child, I must trust that He works ALL things together for good. That I may not know or get all the details of the plan, and that seemingly hard times may arise, but that He is still wholly good. As I was meditating on Psalm 139 (which my amazing, God-fearing husband is memorizing during this pregnancy might I add), God spoke so many truths to me through the different portions of the scripture. I pray He uses those realities to speak into your life tonight as well.

"For You formed me in my inward parts, You knitted me together in my mother's womb..."- Simple enough. He formed us. Each and every one of us. In the midst of our sin, in the midst of our disabilities, problems, and disillusions, He formed us. We did not form ourselves (nor one another) so who are we to question anything about how we or others were made?

"I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."- Purely stated, not only did He state, "It is good" as He was knitting each of us together, our souls, the depths of who we are, knows that truth. At the core of who you and I are, we are aware that there is beauty in each and every one of us. Why? Because of the One who fearfully and wonderfully created us.

"My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth..."- I am just SO ready to see these girls. To meet them, to look at their precious little fingers and toes...He is RIGHT THERE with them as they are being created BY HIM. There is so much that is still "secret" to Hugh and I about our daughters; but He is intimately with them already.

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..."- He knew each of us before we were a thought or possibility in others' minds. He already knows each and every day of the lives of our unborn children because He determined them long ago.

As He gently reminded me of these truths tonight, the Lord whispered to my heart, "If this is all true, don't you think you can trust my heart and my plans for the daughters I have entrusted to your family? If I am the One who thought of them, who thought of you, before the beginning of time, and if I am the One who has been knitting them together so delicately in your very womb, aren't I to be trusted with every detail of their future?" YES, Lord. You absolutely are. So, my friends, whether I meet my little girls tomorrow or 10 weeks from now... He is in charge. And that is GOOD news.

 

THE Sacrifice.

As we were worshipping in church on Sunday, the line of the song said, "You are the sacrifice, Jesus Son of God". I have praised the Lord through these words many times, but it hit me on a different level on Sunday. So often, it does feel like I am the one making the sacrifices in this faith journey. While that sounds prideful, it is just real. It is easy to look around at those who aren't giving their time, money, and energy toward the Gospel and think that they have it easy. Don't get me wrong, many days and seasons I am more than aware that He is the only one that satisfies, the only abundant and fulfilling way to life. Deep inside my soul, I know this truth. But to be authentic (and I believe that is what we are called to be) it is not always that way. Some days, I would rather spend the money the Lord has given us on selfish things, on temporary things. Many days, I find it easier to check my facebook account than "log-in" to God's throne and His word. This is just the sinfulness and waywardness of who I am in my flesh. As I listened to the words of that particular song on Sunday, however, I realized something: Jesus, You are THE Sacrifice. You came down to earth (when you did not have to) to give your perfect Self for imperfect humanity (who would spend many moments not only not thanking You; but often denying You all together). That makes Him THE Sacrifice. What could I ever give up that possibly trumps that? Even if I gave up my life here on earth, my track record is no where near perfect aside from Christ, and what I would be giving up would not even come close to Him giving up His life. Plus, He has offered us all ETERNAL life, so giving up my temporary life is not even that much of a sacrifice in light of the Gospel. Acts 17:24-25 says this:

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything, because He Himself gives all men life and breath and everything else."

What sacrifice could I possibly think I'm making in light of this? In light of what His sacrifice has offered me, offered us, from now until forever?!

David Livingston, a missionary in Africa during the 1800s, seemed to grasp this truth. When asked about the sacrifices that he had made by choosing a life in Africa he would always respond, "I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk of "sacrifice" when we remember the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father's throne on high to give Himself for us."

As Gospel-believing Christians, we know this truth in our heads, but do we truly hold on to it in our day to day living? Brothers and sisters, He IS the Sacrifice. He already sacrificed it all. Anything we seemingly give up on this earth is only a grain of sand in comparison to what He offers us both now and always. Let's offer Him up a gift of gratitude and praise today for the privilege of being able to serve Him with our lives.

What about YOU?

"Your love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, it NEVER runs out on me..."-Kristian Stanfill, This One Thing
"Praise the Lord! He is good. His love never fails..."-Psalm 136:1

         These are just two of the MANY examples, through scripture, song, and voice, that remind us of God's unconditional, complete, unfailing love. As much as I stray DAILY- His love NEVER fails, NEVER gives up, NEVER runs out on me. So what about ME?
          So often, I look at others' attitude, inconsistencies, and motives toward me in the midst of promises such as these. (No matter what so and so said or did to me, God's love will never fail me like that. No matter how other people misunderstood me or gave me "the short end of the stick", He will never do that to me.) What about ME? How often do I fail, give up on others, or run out in the tough times? The cross overcame those. The birth of Jesus WAS the cross of Jesus. God's acceptance of a season in an earthly body was His way of shouting to a dead world, "This is what I have chosen for you. I choose you. In all your sin, in all your humanity. In your frailty, in your ever-changing emotions, I choose you." The birth of Jesus wasn't just a sweet little manger scene with a newborn and his parents... it was God's "Yes" to choosing us in all our mess and filth. We should not only reflect on Jesus' birth during Christmas, we should meditate on what that entails- on the big, beautiful, glorious picture. Jesus' birth signifies (eternal) LIFE for those who accept His gift. It represents forever victory of God. It reflects God's purposed, confident plan from the beginning of time. It wasn't Plan B. It was THE Plan made known from before our existence. (John 1:1-5). So in the next few days, take some time to see yourself in the midst of the birth story. Not just the person who steals your parking spot in the mall. Not only that relative you just can't stand to be around. Not just the mass murderers of the world (although all these should be reflected in the light of Christ as well). See yourself in all YOUR "stuff". In your past, present, and future misakes and humanity. And in the midst of that, see a Christ that cries out from before His very first breath on earth, "I choose you. I choose THIS for YOU." What an incredibly mysterious and miraculous God we serve. And with that, Merry Christmas.

 

The Book with All the Answers.

I love books. I always have. When I was a child, I would bring a flashlight to movie theaters so that I could finish a few chapters during the movie (not sure that it was always money well-spent!). I do believe the Lord inspires and gifts others to share their experiences and wisdom through writing, and that books are a wonderful source of encouragement and inspiration for others (otherwise I do not think I would have a blog!) However, I do believe that sometimes there is a temptation for me, and others, to look to others' words before we look to THE Book, with words from the One who IS Wisdom. This morning, as I sat and thought about what devotional I wanted to pick up, I had a realization: I didn't need another good quote, another's words to speak the Lord's truths to me. I simply needed Christ Himself. So, I picked up my Bible and nothing else, and began to flip through His Scriptures, all bathed in His glorious promises...and I was refreshed. I know this is an elementary truth for a believer, but I do think it's something we often don't live by. As Americans, the culture around us has infiltrated us with SO many options that can distract us. We go into the grocery to buy milk, and suddenly we have spent ten minutes figuring out whether to buy whole, D, Skim, 2%, 1%, organic, DHA-infused, and all the options in between. Every decision we make, whether materialistic or personal, has so many routes to take; so many detailed differences... even in the church we choose to attend!
Since being pregnant, I have had numerous well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers tell me various books I should read. Each of these has different opinions on the best way to parent. Some of them are even Christian-based with lots of great biblically-inspired thoughts to give. Like I said, I thinks books can be great. But as I sat on my couch, being rejuvenated and gaining wisdom through God's words and His Word alone, I realized something: He is all I need to raise these babies. No book, no method, no advice, will ever come close to touching His answers and assurance found through communication, communion, and time with Him and the only Book that we can truly trust for all seasons of life.
I have no idea what it is like to be a mother. I don't know what it feels like to stay up all night with (two) screaming children, to live days exhausted and spent, to entertain (two) children all day long. But I do know what God says about their lives. Psalm 139 says that He has knit them in my womb, and that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 78:5 states that my purpose is to teach them God's truths, of His love for them, so that they can pass it on for generation to generation. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that He has a plan for them, and that the plan includes giving them HOPE and a FUTURE. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 commands me to impress the love for and of God on their hearts. 1 John 3:1 says that above all else, we are children of God and our identity is found in that alone. When I become overwhelmed with knowing which book to read or which way to raise these precious children, I can rest assured that all I need to know is found in His word that He has imprinted and entrusted to me for all eternity. He is Sovereign, and He desires for us to rest in simply and wholly knowing and trusting Him to handle ALL the details, seasons, and issues of our lives.
No matter what is going on in your life- whether you are single, married, childless, or have more children than you can sometimes count- all you need to know to live in peace in this moment is found in Him. Look to His Book and His presence in any and all circumstances, and He will make your paths straight.