What about YOU?

"Your love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, it NEVER runs out on me..."-Kristian Stanfill, This One Thing
"Praise the Lord! He is good. His love never fails..."-Psalm 136:1

         These are just two of the MANY examples, through scripture, song, and voice, that remind us of God's unconditional, complete, unfailing love. As much as I stray DAILY- His love NEVER fails, NEVER gives up, NEVER runs out on me. So what about ME?
          So often, I look at others' attitude, inconsistencies, and motives toward me in the midst of promises such as these. (No matter what so and so said or did to me, God's love will never fail me like that. No matter how other people misunderstood me or gave me "the short end of the stick", He will never do that to me.) What about ME? How often do I fail, give up on others, or run out in the tough times? The cross overcame those. The birth of Jesus WAS the cross of Jesus. God's acceptance of a season in an earthly body was His way of shouting to a dead world, "This is what I have chosen for you. I choose you. In all your sin, in all your humanity. In your frailty, in your ever-changing emotions, I choose you." The birth of Jesus wasn't just a sweet little manger scene with a newborn and his parents... it was God's "Yes" to choosing us in all our mess and filth. We should not only reflect on Jesus' birth during Christmas, we should meditate on what that entails- on the big, beautiful, glorious picture. Jesus' birth signifies (eternal) LIFE for those who accept His gift. It represents forever victory of God. It reflects God's purposed, confident plan from the beginning of time. It wasn't Plan B. It was THE Plan made known from before our existence. (John 1:1-5). So in the next few days, take some time to see yourself in the midst of the birth story. Not just the person who steals your parking spot in the mall. Not only that relative you just can't stand to be around. Not just the mass murderers of the world (although all these should be reflected in the light of Christ as well). See yourself in all YOUR "stuff". In your past, present, and future misakes and humanity. And in the midst of that, see a Christ that cries out from before His very first breath on earth, "I choose you. I choose THIS for YOU." What an incredibly mysterious and miraculous God we serve. And with that, Merry Christmas.

 

The Book with All the Answers.

I love books. I always have. When I was a child, I would bring a flashlight to movie theaters so that I could finish a few chapters during the movie (not sure that it was always money well-spent!). I do believe the Lord inspires and gifts others to share their experiences and wisdom through writing, and that books are a wonderful source of encouragement and inspiration for others (otherwise I do not think I would have a blog!) However, I do believe that sometimes there is a temptation for me, and others, to look to others' words before we look to THE Book, with words from the One who IS Wisdom. This morning, as I sat and thought about what devotional I wanted to pick up, I had a realization: I didn't need another good quote, another's words to speak the Lord's truths to me. I simply needed Christ Himself. So, I picked up my Bible and nothing else, and began to flip through His Scriptures, all bathed in His glorious promises...and I was refreshed. I know this is an elementary truth for a believer, but I do think it's something we often don't live by. As Americans, the culture around us has infiltrated us with SO many options that can distract us. We go into the grocery to buy milk, and suddenly we have spent ten minutes figuring out whether to buy whole, D, Skim, 2%, 1%, organic, DHA-infused, and all the options in between. Every decision we make, whether materialistic or personal, has so many routes to take; so many detailed differences... even in the church we choose to attend!
Since being pregnant, I have had numerous well-meaning friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers tell me various books I should read. Each of these has different opinions on the best way to parent. Some of them are even Christian-based with lots of great biblically-inspired thoughts to give. Like I said, I thinks books can be great. But as I sat on my couch, being rejuvenated and gaining wisdom through God's words and His Word alone, I realized something: He is all I need to raise these babies. No book, no method, no advice, will ever come close to touching His answers and assurance found through communication, communion, and time with Him and the only Book that we can truly trust for all seasons of life.
I have no idea what it is like to be a mother. I don't know what it feels like to stay up all night with (two) screaming children, to live days exhausted and spent, to entertain (two) children all day long. But I do know what God says about their lives. Psalm 139 says that He has knit them in my womb, and that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 78:5 states that my purpose is to teach them God's truths, of His love for them, so that they can pass it on for generation to generation. Jeremiah 29:11 promises that He has a plan for them, and that the plan includes giving them HOPE and a FUTURE. Deuteronomy 6:6-9 commands me to impress the love for and of God on their hearts. 1 John 3:1 says that above all else, we are children of God and our identity is found in that alone. When I become overwhelmed with knowing which book to read or which way to raise these precious children, I can rest assured that all I need to know is found in His word that He has imprinted and entrusted to me for all eternity. He is Sovereign, and He desires for us to rest in simply and wholly knowing and trusting Him to handle ALL the details, seasons, and issues of our lives.
No matter what is going on in your life- whether you are single, married, childless, or have more children than you can sometimes count- all you need to know to live in peace in this moment is found in Him. Look to His Book and His presence in any and all circumstances, and He will make your paths straight.

He heals us.

It seems like each and every day is full of such pain and sickness. Between turning on the television and seeing the starving children all around the world and going to bible study and hearing the numerous accounts of family members with illness, cancer, and suffering, it sometimes feels like evil abounds. And I have a confession to make: after praying and praying for so many loved ones to be "healed" from various things, and watching them continue to suffer, I often have the thought of, "What's the point?" What's the point of our prayers if ultimately God is going to do His thing either way anyway? Truthfully, it just doesn't make sense. Between all the accounts of Jesus healing the sick (Matthew 4:23-24 being a prime example), it can appear that there is a disconnect between what used to occur in biblical times and what happens now. As I was pondering on these thoughts this morning, God brought to my attention (as He is so perfectly timed at doing) a great truth. Jesus did spend His time on earth healing the sick and binding wounds, but He was very purposeful in the where, how, and who. Was it because He had favorites? No. I believe it was because sometimes the ultimate healing comes through the sickness. Think about it. Matthew 10:28 says, "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul...". Matthew 26:41 says that our spirits our willing but our bodies are weak. This can only lead us to know that these physical bodies are not the whole to-do. Anyone who has suffered from chronic illness or cancer knows the painful truth that our bodies are weak and can be destroyed in the blink of an eye. On a lesser note, I have walked through this first trimester with sickness day after day. I have prayed to feel better, prayed for energy to get out of bed and make it to work, prayed for some relief from the nausea and exhaustion...and truthfully, it hasn't really let up. As I have prayed, however, something has let up: my desire for things to go "my way". My assumption that I know what's best for my body or, ultimately, my soul. The truth is, this sickness may be my grace for this season. This sickness is God's blessing upon me for now, teaching me perseverance and joy beyond circumstances. And learning to rejoice in the midst of that? A privilege. The truth is, as Christians, our bodies are a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). The beauty of the sacrifice is that by giving up our weak and mortal bodies, we take on His body- the body of our perfect, unblemished Savior- as our very own! And His body, given for us, is EVERLASTING. (Matthew 26:26). Free from sickness. Free from cancer. Free from imperfection. Free from sin. His to ours. No matter what suffering you or your family are walking through, just remember this: He may bring physical healing on this side of eternity, He may choose not to do so. Either way, His promise to us is still clear: our souls are 100% whole and healthy because of Christ, and one day we will be able to understand how finite our physical ailments were in comparison to the glory His body is bringing forth for eternity.

HIS Story.

I am a control freak. I make daily to-do lists, organize my grocery list according to where things are located in the store, and like to have my week semi-planned out by Monday. Obnoxious? Sometimes. It's just sort of how I'm wired. Ever since I started understanding what it meant to truly find freedom in surrendering to the Lord, it has been a constant back and forth battle of me thinking I was "giving God the reigns" and then me "taking control back". Sure, many life events have hinted to me that God was in control the whole time, but if I'm truly honest, something deep inside me thought that I still had something to do with things; that my planning and strategizing through life made a difference somehow in the way things played out. And then we saw the ultrasound.
To be completely candid, I was still in shock that we were having ONE baby; but was grateful and starting to get into my typical list and planning mode. I know you already mamas are laughing out there, but I really was beginning to feel like I was going to be able to wrap my brain around how to be a calm, cool, and collected parent by time May rolled around. And then we saw the ultrasound.
I would like to say that I was overcome with joy whenever the technician said, "Well guys, there's two sacs!" Initially, I was just sort of confused by what she meant. Sure, Hugh is a twin; but the gene is usually carried in the girl and almost always skips a generation anyway. Yes, I'd been really sick and crazy exhausted, but I just thought that's what happened when you were pregnant and that I just needed to suck it up! Once I realized what she was saying, inconsolable bawling ensued. My sweet, laid back husband continued to interact with her as she showed us both babies (in separate sacs!) and let us listen to both heartbeats (both sounding great!) The thoughts that were running through my head ranged from, "How are we going to afford this?" to "How am I going to survive carrying twins much less raising them?!" to all kinds of things... the bottom line is this: In that moment, I realized at a deeper level than ever that I have absolutely NO control over "my" life. To those of you that don't struggle with control, this is probably a no-brainer. For me, this was pivotal. In the days to come, I truly have been able to find freedom in really recognizing that any pseudo control I thought that I had over "my" life story was just that---not real! He is in control whether we recognize it or not; and He is going to bring to pass those things that He chooses! Hugh and I could have never written this story the way He is playing it out... but it is PERFECT because it's in His plans!
So here's the deal: many people probably think that announcing a high-risk pregnancy so early is probably a bad idea; and I can't say I haven't had the thought. We are fully aware that there are so many things that could happen in the next few months/years/decades. I just strongly believe that He doesn't doubly bless you without wanting you to share that journey with the people around you. We need your prayers! This is not going to be a place where I share how I am feeling, what I'm craving, etc. (I'm pregnant with twins. I'm feeling pretty awful most of the time... it's to be expected!) I also am not going to share weekly photo updates. (If you are curious, google image "pregnant with twins". You'll get the point. Yes, I'm going to be huge!) I really don't want this to be about me, or Hugh, or even the twins... I want it to be about Him. These are His children that He is entrusting to us, and He is writing this story (along with yours and mine). Let this serve as a reminder today for all of us that not only is He in control of it all, but He is bringing about His perfect will in each of our lives. He is planning absolutely more than we could dream up or imagine!

The Sin that Lurks Within

       Sometimes I am so aware of the sin that lurks within me. Not necessarily the external obvious things that others see; but the day to day selfishness, self-centeredness, lack of trust, and overall discontent that can creep up. As I was listening to Pandora this morning, a Casting Crown song from years past came on. I heard a line that I have never paid close attention to-"Here I am Lord and I'm drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness"- and I was reminded that He truly has cast our sin as far as the east is from the west. As much as I hear this truth, the knowledge that because of Christ, my  sins are literally cast out and remembered no more, I must confess my mind struggles to trust this. It hit me today how distrusting and prideful it is for me-for us- to dwell on the sin God has purposefully left alone. After all, isn't that what Christ came and suffered for? How dare I focus on that which God Himself has disassociated from!? Scripture is clear that we are to trust God with ALL our sins; trust that He completely erased any and all misdemeanors, mistakes, felonies, filth, evil, etc. from our record. So who am I to spend much of my day- or any of my day for that matter- emeshed in my own personal checklist of sins? Did Christ die so I could stay overwhelmed in my own mess?! No. Quite the opposite actually. If I believe that Christ died so that we could be clean and righteous in His sight, and if this is the message I long for my life to preach, I must live that way day in, day out. I must not get caught up in the mess of me; instead, I must gratefully and humbly accept that He has saved me, even from myself. What gratitude and awe my heart feels as I fix my eyes on Him and this promise! Friends, let's choose to not get caught up in our own "stuff" today. Let's choose to focus on the One that took care of it all at the cross. He is faithful.

All is grace.

It has been a while since I've shared my heart here. For some reason, I have not quite felt a sure message develop. So many wonderful things have been going on; so many life changes have come to fruition. As I was reading the end of, "One Thousand Gifts", by Ann Voskamp, these words captured my heart:
     "Blessings keep our awareness of life's Holy potential ever present. They awaken us to our lives...with each blessing uttered we extend the boundaries of the sacred and ritualise our love of life. One hundred times a day, everywhere we turn, everything we touch, everyone we see. The blessings can be whispered. No one even need hear. No one but the Holy One."
First of all, God has used this book to awaken my soul to the vitality of praise, of thanks. I would like to consider myself a fairly grateful person, but do I acknowlege my thanks to God for ALL? Not just for the big things or the "yes" answered prayers. For the small, little blessings showered throughout my day. For the things that appear as suffering that God has promised are blessings in disguise. Yes, even that things that have devastated me; that temporarily made me doubt God's goodness at all. All is grace. This is not a pretty piece of wrapping paper to put around the hardships of our life in order to "cover" for God. No. God does not need my rationalizations concerning His ways, and I shudder to think I live sometimes as if He did. All is grace.

• My newfound discovery of half and half- not the fat free stuff, the real thing- coffee will never taste the same.
• My sweet puppies cuddled up in the grass, napping in the sunshine.
• A text message from a dear friend who I haven't seen in a while.
• The endurance the Lord has given my husband to make it through over 90 hours of work this week.
• Moments of solitude with the Lord as the birds chirp.
• Hugh's favorite OJ on sale, two for one.
• A couple hours of alonetime with delivery pizza, milkshakes, and the Braves.
• New friendships forming with some incredible women and some wonderful neighbors.
• A Gospel-preaching church that we feel connected to and challenged by every Sunday.
• Opportunities at work that make me realize His power is made perfect in my weakness.
• The emptiness and discontentment that continue to creep up, only to remind me that regardless, my satisfaction is fond solely in Him, no matter the circumstances.

The list could go on and on, as I'm sure yours could too if you will open up your eyes and heart to see. I never ask for comments, but I would LOVE to know some of your "graces", this morning- the good and the seemingly bad that God is turning into good. Let's lift up our praises to Him; trusting that each and every moment is full of His love and grace.

The Umpire of our Hearts.

   While watching sporting events, it is always clear that everyone agrees on one thing: we may not like the referees or the umpire's call, but it is what rules. People may yell, scream, complain, or disagree; but there is an agreement that whatever the person calling the game says, goes. As I was reading in Colossians, a portion of chapter 3, verse 15, stood out to me in the Amplified version: "And let the peace from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts (deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your mind, in that peaceful state) to which as (members of Christ's) one body you were also called (to live)." The peace from Christ. Act as umpire continually.
    I started thinking about how many times I do not allow the peace of Christ to even play a small role in my interactions with others; much less act as umpire. Sure, I may spend a few moments trying to see Christ in afternoon traffic; but if I realize I'm not going to make it to the dry cleaners in time before they close, that goes out the window. Yeah, I might attempt to give my husband grace at the beginning of an argument; but if push comes to shove and he won't admit that my opinion is right, I forget that "peace" completely.
   Friends, we have to challenge ourselves to live out the word completely. Not just when it's easy. Not only when our emotions line up with his truth. Not only when we feel like we are being treated fairly. ALWAYS. The peace of Christ must ALWAYS act as umpire of our lives. We must allow the peace that Christ gives to decide and settle all matters of the mind, soul, and heart. It's not easy; but it's a command from the Lord and therefore it is worth it. So, in the moments today that you (or me!) are tempted to become umpire of our own lives and situations and throw peace out the window, let us be reminded to take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask Christ to make the final call. And the best news is this: His call is ALWAYS perfect. Where as refs and umpires on this earth make subjective moves sometimes and do not always know what is true, our Lord's calls are always exactly on target. Let's trust Him to lead today.

Guest Blog.

As my husband and I sat at dinner, discussing various things we thought the Lord was teaching us in our lives, Hugh brought up a great truth from a story in the Bible I had not read much. I thought, "I should write a blog about that,", but then I realized he would be a much better candidate for it. Here is Hugh's take on Matthew 17:

       The Word of our God is not a book meant to encourage for a time and then sit on display on the book shelf or give us 10 easy steps to success, but it is a book that as Hebrews states, is "living and active."  The Bible is meant to be enjoyed, as it is a communion with God that is not only applicable, but is REAL in the way that it transforms, guides, and speaks into our lives.  It is a conversation with the Lord.  That being said, we can have great comfort in struggles and our lack of understanding in why things happen the way they do in this world.  I want to give an example of God's provision from Matthew 17:24-27.  The story of the coins in the fish's mouth, is not one that is often read, but is one of the more unusual miracles in scripture.  In fact, it only appears in the Gospel of Matthew.  Perhaps, Matthew was particularly moved by this story about tax collection, as he was of the same breed, a tax collector himself.  A tax collector approaches peter in order to collect the two-drachma temple tax.  This was a tax required of the Jews as prescribed by Exodus chapter 30 for upkeep of the temple.  It is important to note the collector was only asking for collection from Peter's master.  They were after only Christ.  Jesus is quick to point out that he recognizes the depth of perversion in the situation, when He states that He is well aware the tax is not applied to the families of the tax collectors, but instead the burden is placed on others.   Christ would grow used to bearing the burden of our own human mess,  evidenced ultimately by the cross.  Here, Jesus tells Peter to go and cast out his fishing line, and the first fish that he reels in will have not only two, but four drachma in it's mouth!  "Take the first fish you catch, open its mouth and you will find a four-drachma coin.  Take it and give to them for my tax and yours" (v.27).  What!  Not only a bizzare miracle, but it is easy to miss the math.  The tax collectors came only asking for two drachma from Jesus.  However, Christ was quick to provide for himself and for Peter with a coin covering both of their debts.  How great is our God that He knows what we need and will provide without us even asking or pleading?  God takes care of the lillies of the field and the birds of the air (Matthew 6), how much more will he take care of you.  Remember these things in financial hardship, illness, a poor housing market, a messy presidential race, or in feast and famine.  God will provide.  This may not be in our time frame or how we expect, but He will pay "His tax and yours." He has already provided for us eternally in the cross.  Praise be to the One who was and is to come. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

This has always been my "go-to" verse for when my sin is right up in my face. For the times that I knew I had messed up; when the dirtiness and filth of my flesh was fully externalized. There are several seasons of my life where this verse continued to remind me that I WAS a child of God and that He WAS transforming me in His time. This morning, however, God made me aware of a deeper truth to these verses.
His compassions never fail. Dictionary.com defines compassion as: "A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." One of the antonyms they list for compassion is indifference.
First off, what does the Lord have deep sympathy and sorrow for each of us? What are our misfortunes? You tell me. For some of us, those might be things that we could have prevented. Sins that we committed knowingly. Moments that replay in our brains over and over again, praying and hoping that a re-do button   would show up. For others, our current misfortunes take a different turn. Sickness within the family or ourselves. The diagnosis that keeps getting worse. The depression that just won't go away. The cries for a spouse or a baby that continue to go unanswered. All of these can be considered misfortunes. And Lamentations promises us that God has ACTIVE sympathy and sorrow for us in the midst.
The second half of the definition is the part that tugs at my heart strings the most. It says that this feeling is accompanied by "a strong desire to alleviate the suffering". This is where our trust comes in. Friends, not only does God see your misfortunes, He wants to make it better. He is fully aware of what you are going through, and He desires to relieve that suffering. In our sin, He continues to bring us His grace and forgiveness EACH morning. As the sun rises, it is a fresh reminder that He is for us and is giving us yet another chance to remember Him in all we do. In those misfortunes that keep us perpetually intuitive to the fact that the world we live in is a broken one full of suffering, let us not forget that He is NOT indifferent. He desires to relieve us of this suffering, whether in this life or the next. If He continues to allow you to feel the pain, He promises us that it is for a reason. And the hope of this verse is that we would begin each day with a new understanding of this compassion that the Lord has for us. Regardless of if your misfortunes are self-inflicted or simply a part of being a human being, He is right there with you in it. His compassions NEVER fail, and He will not let your suffering end in vain. Because He's for you. Because He is the Great Alleviator of all of our pain as we lay it at His feet. Because He is faithful. 

No words.

You know that "youth conference feeling"? The one where you are singing with hundreds of people and the speaker has really brought the Gospel, and tons and tons of youth (including yourself) are coming up to the front of the room to pray? That emotional, tear-jerking moement where you and a hundred of your (now) friends are realizing God really is all that matters, all together? (Some of you are nodding, some of you just confused. Just trust me on this one.) I have that feeling right now. Except I am by myself, in a coffee shop, age 26; and the only thing speaking to me is God's word and His still, sweet voice. The place He currently has me on this journey...my, it is sweet.
I can smell the honeysuckles after a summer rain, feel the embrace of a warm fire on a winter's night; experience the security of being wrapped up in a towel right after it has left the dryer. This is how my life feels right now. I realize I'm not making 100% sense right now, and I'm okay with that. Some seasons of life are like "inside jokes" with the Lord, and this is the beginning of one of those seasons for myself. This morning, I am aware of one of the many rewards that comes with walking through this life with the Lord. He has brought me to a place where His provision does not seem like a foreign truth; it is right in my face. And friends: there are no words; which is why I'm stumbling across this computer board attempting to express my gratitude to Him. I want to give Him glory by sharing with you all. We may not be in an auditorium, praising Him all together in some beautiful song, but the concept is still the same. He has brought me to my knees the past few weeks, and I feel giddy inside about all that is to come.
           "Great is thy faithfulness, Great is thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see; all I have needed thy hand hath provided; great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!"
I see the Lord, sitting up on His mighty throne, smiling... and not just today, but in the days before; knowing the joy I was going to experience as He poured out unnumerable blessings in His perfectly orchestrated time. I know, I know. Even what seems like suffering is a blessing. May I rejoice in those times, too. But oh, to enter into a time of "jumping in the air, carefree praise" for the Lord. He deserves this always; but I want to give it to Him (as I am so aware of it) today. I know that a more difficult season could be just around the bend, and I'm okay with that. Because I trust Him; and I know that He is confidently leading me into still waters with every passing winter or storm. Because He is God. Because He is good. Because He is for us.
I must make one thing clear: this has nothing to do with me or my efforts to be a "good" Christian: been there, done that, failed miserably. I do not serve Him as I should or love through His love on a daily basis. I go back and forth in my trusting in and leaning on to Him; but He never lets me go because He knows my heart and because He never changes. Morgan is nothing outside of His hold on my life.
Whatever your circumstances, whatever is going on in your life, however you view God, hear my authentic plea: walking with Him makes ANY season sweeter; the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. When you do choose to hold on to His grasp on you in the midst of trying times... the aftermath is that much more wonderful. He is smiling down on YOU today, on us. He sees the big picture, and it is good. Let's celebrate Him together.

Details of the Heart.

I promised myself that when I started a blog, I would not post something unless I actually had something to say. I tend to spend 10 minutes or so writing an entry, and the words usually flow like water. If I sit at the computer, attempting to muster up something of worth, that's a good sign that I should probably stop altogether. Since I last posted, several "big things"have occurred. My husband and I found out where we matched on Friday, his twin sister got married on Saturday, and I had surgery on Monday morning. While these three events were very different, with varying emotions and activities, they each had much in common as well. The thread that ties them together is this: God was in the details. We often pay more attention to the mountaintop moments in our lives; but God graciously allowed me to focus on the details of His provision in these similar albeit different situations.
Match Day: a day we had prayed over, wrestled with, and thought about for months. This was a day that determined where Hugh and I will live for at least the next three years. We felt strongly called to put UAB (Birmingham) first; but a small envelope would determine where God intended us to be. When Hugh's name got called to the front to pick up his letter, I had a moment of sheer peace. I knew that whatever was in that envelope, God was responsible, and He was up to something. I did not feel anything but confidence in wherever He had chosen for us. This moment lasted a couple seconds, and I could have missed it with all that was going on around us. I am thankful that God caused me to take a step back and realize how far He had gotten my heart in the midst of this process. A detail to some; a precious amount of molding for me.
The wedding: nothing can bring a bride to tears more than reading a letter from her husband-to-be. Watching Hugh's sister's eyes well up with tears as she read the sentiments from her groom silently left me reflecting on why words on a page would cause us to show such strong emotion. I don't know what was in the letter, but I do know one thing: these tears were tears of joy, caused by a reminder that the bride was unconditionally and genuinely loved by the one she longed for. What a glorious reflection of the daily reminder Jesus gives us as Christians! Every sunset that rises, each morning that we wake up with another breath, is an assurance that He chose us, He loves us, and He has a plan for us that very day. It took the bride a couple minutes max to read this letter; but the lesson learned was imprinted on my heart. A detail to some; a precious amount of molding for me.
The surgery: A week after getting home from Bangladesh, some pain in what felt like my ovaries would not go away. A doctor's visit determined that I had a rare type of cyst called a dermoid on my right ovary. The cyst would not go away on its own, and could grow. If the cyst torsed (ruptured or twisted), emergency surgery would be required and the ovary would need to be removed. As the ob/gyn eloquently stated, "It's got to come out". There were so many blessings involved in the process. The fact that I had quit my job prior to Bangladesh made more sense than ever, because recovery time was going to be at least a couple weeks. Speaking of Bangladesh, what a blessing it was that the cyst was not causing me pain while out of the country; but that God allowed us to find it before it had gotten extremely large. God kept giving me reminders that He was over this surgery and that He was going to take care of me. The biggest fear I had concerning the surgery was the IV beforehand. (No, not the incisions during or pain after. The IV. Silly, no?) When I got to the hospital Monday morning, I quickly discovered that the nurse doing my pre-op work was a Christian. I expressed my fears to her, and she reminded me scriptures of God's faithfulness and how we should not fear throughout the whole process. A small detail to some, a precious amount of molding to me.
As I sit here 5 days later, trying to patiently trust my body with the healing process that already feels too slow, God continues to whisper to me the importance of paying attention to His details. Sure, today holds a lot of couch laying and fluid drinking, but He is up to something. The same is true for you. No matter what your day holds, if the sun rose and you are still breathing, He has some details waiting for you. Luke 12:7 reminds us that He knows each and every hair on our heads, and that we are worth more than many sparrows. As I listen to the birds chirping, I know that He is in all the tiny instances in all of our days. Look around and then look within. He is speaking.

Bangladesh, Part 2

As a Social Worker, my job consists of case management a lot of the time. Case management often turns into somewhat of a bandaid-type fix in which you fit in as many clients as you can in one day, attempting to meet a handful of needs for as many as possible. Without fully realizing it, I believe I have become somewhat desynsetized to the importance of each individual. I have begun seeing problems, hurts, and pains as more of a massive issue rather than something that is individualized. Before going on this trip, I was informed that I would be able to help with some of the mental health needs of the people we came in contact with. I was told that there was no mental health care available in Bangladesh, and that there were numbers and numbers of people to be helped. I honestly pictured myself with a long line of people, giving a "band-aid" to as many as I could. God, as He does, completely rocked my perception.
While in Bangladesh, I probably counselled 10-12 patients. In America, that would have been a ridiculously small number for the amount of time we spent there. I got to have tea with a Schizophrenic lady, who spent a couple hours laughing and smiling instead of being tormented by the voices in her head that told her to hurt everyone around her. I was able to hug and love on a depressed Buddhist teenager, and even share the gospel with her. She came back the next day, and brought me a gift because she was "feeling alive again". I prayed (with my eyes open, in English, surrounded by Muslim spies) with a lady who felt hopeless and had begun to think that God hated her and her family due to the fact that she had lost two children in the past two years. This lady left rejuvenated and confident that God had a plan for her and her family, and that the plan was for good and not harm (Jer. 29:11). I even got to share some simple breathing techniques with a woman suffering from anxiety; she was hugging me and rejoicing that she no longer felt like she was having a heart attack, and all I did was remind her to breathe! These are only a handful of examples of the work that God did when I took the time to see the importance in the one He placed in front of me. God's word reminds us of this truth in Matthew 18:12-13, where the Lord talks about leaving the 99 sheep to find the one who went astray. Time and time again, Jesus speaks with the one in front of Him. He leaves the crowd to go have dinner with Zecchaeus, a well-known tax collector and sinner. He hears the voice of the blind beggar in the midst of many, and He speaks to the man and heals him (found in Luke 18 and 19). Yes, through God's intentionality (that is now a word in my book), many see His healing touch and give Him praise; but He does this through paying attention to the one in front of Him.
While in Bangladesh, several individuals came to us at just the right moment for healing. There were crowds and crowds that wanted medical care each day; we almost always turned A LOT away. Instead of letting this frustrate me, however, I learned to trust that God would bring us those He desired to touch in that moment. One day, a father from the previously unreached Marma village carried his son 8 hours in order to receive medical care. The child had malaria and was near death; he left physically healed after receiving medical attention and the love that only Christ can give. Another man was carried on bamboo shoots by two friends, unable to walk because of bladder obstruction. They had no idea that we were holding a free clinic; they were carrying him as long as it took to find the care that he needed. These are just two incidences that I know were NOT coincidences. They were God's divine appointments.
Now that I am back, I will soon be entering into the world of Social Work once again. I pray that I never forget the value in the one in front of me. I do not want to live as if I am here to help the masses; I want to trust God that He will place people in my life that He wants to minister to through me, and I want to invest fully in those people. We are not called to be everything to everyone; we are called to live as if we have an audience of One, and to trust Him with the details. Who has He placed in front of you today? Whether it is your children, spouse, co-workers, clients, or anyone else, it is not by chance. Let's live that truth out today, leaving the rest in His hands.

Bangladesh, Part 1

I have spent the past few days processing the month of February, trying to find an adequate way to summarize all that God did through and to our team in Bangladesh. I finally came to the conclusion that there is no way to express all the ways He proved Himself faithful; that I was going to have to be okay with giving bits and pieces that paled in comparison to the fullness of His glory that He showed myself and the rest of the team. There are several "themes" that reigned throughout my time away; and so I thought it would be beneficial to have a few posts dedicated to different lessons learned from Bangladesh. I will go ahead and say that I know I will never be able to fully express this life-changing experience.

One of the main lessons God began teaching me was the concept of serving behind the scenes. (I say began because I believe that lessons are never fully learned on this earth, and that faith is a process). The village of Ruma was nothing short of community. Acts 2:42-47 says it best:
"42 They were devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Reverential awe came over everyone, and many wonders and miraculous signs came about by the apostles. 44 All who believed were together and held everything in common, 45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, 47 praising God and having the good will of all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.<sup>"

This was the early church, and this was the church in Ruma. In Bangladesh, there are not churches on every corner. Bangladesh is a Muslim country, and to claim to be a Christian is to claim persecution. There are not churches on every corner; and the one village that is set apart as a Christian community is the village of Ruma. From the moment that we walked up the dusty road to New Eden Para, we were treated as family. In America, I might filipantly call someone my brother or sister in Christ. In Ruma, they live this out day to day. The people in Ruma could not have been more excited to have the encouragement and mere presence of others that claimed themselves as Christians, albeit from across the world. Each member of the community was lined up on the sides of the hill, desiring to shake each of our hands individually to thank us for our trek to visit them. Their smiles and unshakeable faith will be forever imprinted on my mind and my heart. The people were also aware that although they had never seen America; America was a much more comfortable place to live. They continued to thank us for leaving a place with "so much" to visit a place with "nothing". In some ways, they were right. America is full of comforts- abundance and variety of foods, stores, shelter, bathrooms, showers, and other luxuries. I came to see while in Ruma, however, that these things are not life. That in a sense, the comforts and wants we all have here can distract us from living the simple, free life Christ has called us to live. While sleeping on the ground, using a latrine aka dirt hole as a bathroom, having a bucket shower, and eating rice and dahl for every meal, I was profoundly content. I had all that I really needed; and God satisfied me. I came to wonder if the people of Ruma were the truly wealthy. They were living what I've coined the simple servant's life. Their life was based on relationships, not things. And while I was blessed to spend time there, my days were based on relationships and nothing less. I got to see the people of Ruma serve us in extravagant ways. They moved out of their huts for a time period in order for us to have a hut to sleep in. The woman that lived in the house would brush dust out of the hut periodically in order to have it as clean as it could possibly be for us. Some ladies of the village woke up at 3 in the morning, every morning, to go down to the river to get water to boil for us so that we could make our instant coffee in the morning. They made each of us knitted bags and slingshots so that we could take a piece of them with us when we left. And they did all these things joyfully, as if they were priviledged to be serving us. This is the kind of woman, wife, one day mother, and friend I want to be. I want to serve out of the abundance of love the Father has given to me. I want to wake up every day not feeling as if the world owes me something; but instead willing to give all of me because of Christ's gift of Himself to me.  The community and selflessness of the people of Ruma was nothing short of beautiful, and I will be forever grateful that I was able to see Christ's unconditional and abundant love through these family members from across the world.</sup>

Today.

A team of about 30 people will be leaving this Sunday (Feb. 5th) to go to Bangladesh. We will be doing medical missions while there, and will be living like the people (which means we will not be living with virtually any Western comforts for three weeks). We will return on February 25th, and I am certain it will be a life-changing experience for all involved.
Hugh and I prayed for a few weeks (or months) about whether or not I should accompany him on the trip. As much as I wanted to go, it was going to be a step of faith for numerous reasons. I would have to quit my job; and the amount of money we had to raise for two seemed insurmountable. After many prayers and talks, we determined that I would, in fact, go on the trip with him. Since we made that decision, I would say that most of my prayers have centered around this trip. The past couple days, I have been all too aware of how much of my life has focused on the upcoming three weeks. Do I think this is a bad thing? Not necessarily. There are details that have to be taken care of (dipping clothes in permethrin, finding thermarests/sleeping bags/backpacks, retreats to prepare us for the culture we will be entering into, etc.). However, the whole process has had me thinking about expectations for God to show up, and how much that affects our seeing God work.
Growing up, I always had something that I was looking towards. Whether it was a friend's birthday party or a dance recital, from a young age, I was constantly looking forward. Once I became a Christian, I believe I unintentionally began doing this with God. I would look toward the next youth retreat for a time to truly see God work. I would get excited about youth group in hopes that God would "do something big". While I believe that God absolutely meets us in these mountain top experiences, I am certain that He wants us to see Him in the everyday as well. I believe that God is just as willing to show us Himself and His glory in the little things; I am just not sure our eyes are as clear to see it. Matthew 6:34 reminds us to not worry about tomorrow and to focus on TODAY. I was reading a devotional by Sarah Young this morning, and she said something that truly caught my eye. She writes, "How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you!" It's not that it is wrong to prepare for, look forward to, and pray for future events; we just must be careful to not miss what today holds as well. As I sit here, 48 hours from leaving on a journey that God has known about since before time, I don't want to miss the blessings (and struggles) of this moment. After all, who knows what tomorrow holds? (James 4:13). I want to embrace each and every second the Lord puts before me. He promises us He hems us in-behind and before- in order that we might live out His will for us right here, right now. THIS is the day the Lord has made, let's rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24). You are so precious to Him.

Because HE said so.

I have never liked hearing the phrase, "Because I said so." In fact, from the time I was young until now, "Because I said so" caused me to want to do the exact opposite of what I was being asked. Prideful? Probably. Rebellious? Definitely. But somehow, "Because I said so" always felt like it couldn't be trusted. Like it was based solely on the desires of the speaker and on nothing of solid value.
As a wife trying to live as God has called me to live, I am in the process of grasping what it means to submit to my husband. Before I was married, I was EXCITED about this idea of submission. I even thought I was going to be GOOD at it. (Pride is obviously a common theme here, but that's another story for another day!) I think I was unaware that submission's definition was quite different than manipulation or control. :) I am so willing to submit to my husband when his thoughts and desires line up with my own; but whenever he presents an idea outside of my plans (prayed through or not), submission feels more like nails down a chalkboard than a joy. God has been teaching me that this idea of a wife submitting to her husbands wasn't created by a bunch of men who wanted to say "because I said so" all the time. Submission comes because He (our All-knowing God) says so. Ladies, we have to understand that this command was issued because He loves us and He knows best. We also need to grasp that submission is a privilege. Think about it. Who followed through on the all-time most gracious submission? Jesus Christ Himself, when He submitted to dying on the cross for us. Not only is submission God's plan for us, it is also an honor. I have spent enough time on the outskirts of God's plan for my life, and I don't want to waste any of my marriage not listening to what God's word says about His command for us as wives. Ephesians 5:22-24 says, "²²Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord. ²³For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. ²⁴As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands."
As a service to the Lord. Not as a burden to your soul, or a punishment for your sins. Our submission to our husbands is such a beautiful representation of the church's position as the body of Christ to Christ the Head of this body. Now, I am the first to admit that I am bad at this. I want to lead. I want to call the shots. Why? Because it feels safe. Because I think I know best. Because I say so. But ultimately, God says that isn't truth. God promises that He has put our husbands in a position which they are qualified and called to lead us in love and truth, and because of that, we must simply trust and follow. Not because they say so. Because He says so. Let's commit ourselves to trusting that the glorious plan He has for us in our marriages and in our lives is not only true, but that it is good.

Something More.

"But I wanted other things more. All the time. I wanted to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. I wanted to be loved and cuddled by a hundred children and never go a day without laughing. I wanted to wake up to a rooster's crow and open my eyes to see lush green trees that seem to pulse with life against a piercing blue sky and the rusty red soil of Uganda. I wanted to be challenged endlessly; I wanted to be learning and growing every minute. I wanted to be taught by those I teach, and I wanted to share God's love with people who otherwise might not know it. I wanted to work so hard that I ended every day filthy and too tired to move. I wanted to feel needed, important, and used by the Lord. I wanted to make some kind of difference, no matter how small, and I wanted to follow the calling God had placed on my heart. I wanted to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. At the end of the day, no matter how hard, I wanted to be right here in Uganda."- Katie Davis

This quote comes directly from a book I just finished, Kisses from Katie. I love the book for a number of reasons, but the main one stems from Katie's ability to word so many cries and aches of my heart. I believe as Christians, we all experience what Katie expresses throughout this book. While God's will for all of us is not to move to Uganda and start a ministry such as Katie's, He has called us all to more than normalcy. I am the first to admit that I can be distracted by my comfortable American life. Most mornings begin with me sitting down with whatever I choose for breakfast, spending some time reading God's word and praying to the Lord that my life would make a difference. Soon after that "quiet time", however, I often become immersed in all the commodities and comforts of this life- the Ipod that allows me to choose whatever music I so desire to listen to; the closet full of clothes that gives me to opportunity to pick out whatever clothes I want to wear.It's not that these things are necessarily bad, it's just that they are irrelevant. Meaningless, meaningless, meaningless, as the writer of Ecclesiastes so poignantly reminds us.
I truly believe that the more of our lives we surrender to Christ; the more we say "Yes" to the things He asks of us and "No" to the things of this world, we become less drawn to and satisfied by the temporary. There was a time in my life that food, drink, fashion, money, entertainment, and all other temporary fixes were my only source of happiness. I now find that the more I am around these things, the more I want to run to my Savior who I know will eternally and limitlessly be there. While I certainly struggle with running to other things to bring my joy, I am intensely aware that anything and everything outside of God's provision and love with leave us empty and wanting. God promises that He will give us more than we ask and imagine (Eph. 3:20), and the more I trust that promise, the more I desire to give up everything outside of God's purpose for my life. As Katie so eloquently put it, it's not that I don't want other things, I just want Him more. Once we taste His water, we will never be thirsty (John 4:14). Once we trust His promises, we will never lack joy. (Psalm 16:11). Will it be easy? No. Will it be "normal" in the eyes of those around us? Probably not. But will it be worth it? Yes. Most certainly yes.

Living the ?.

Jobless.
Foreigner.
Home for sale without any prospects.
Move to an unknown place.

Within the next few months, all of these things will be a reality for my husband and I, and for many of our precious friends in Augusta. I have officially resigned from my job of three years to spend most of the month of February on a mission trip in Bangladesh. While there, we will experience the discomforts that are all too familiar to those that live there. When we come home, we will be coming home with no income and a mortgage that must be paid. We will then find out where God has us placed for the next three years, and while we have some say-so, it is ultimately not our decision. The world would tell us that this all sounds scary; that so many unknowns aren't good. While logically this may be true, what does my God say?
The world says I will be jobless. God says my identity is found only in Him and that He will provide. (Gal. 2:20, Phil. 4:19)
The world says that Bangladesh will be full of poverty, filth, and all that is foreign to our American life. God says that while this may be true, I am already a foreigner on this earth. (1 Peter 2:11, Psalm 119:19)
The world says that the uncertainty of selling our home combined with a move should cause us to fear. God says He watches our going and our coming, and that He has a plan and a purpose for us. (Psalm 121:8, Jer. 29:11)

In the midst of all the question marks of life, God is in control. This post, while personalized to fit me, could be the journey of any of our lives. We all have seasons of change; seasons that seem more "out of our control" than others. I certainly struggle with wanting to know the answers; wanting to take the reigns of "my" life. I believe that it is in these times, he is asking us to take away the "I's", "my's", "me's", and "mine's", and replace them with His and (ultimately) Him. It is all His. It was His job that He entrusted to me for a season. Those are His people, whether in Bangladesh or America or anywhere else. He created them; and us. He will sell the house He has entrusted to us in His timing. He will place us in the city where He would have us glorify Him most. It is ALL about Him. And while living the question marks, we are promised that He is up to something that will bring us good and Him glory. Who or what else offers us this? No one; nothing. Only Jesus.

Provision.

When I think of the word provision, I think of "good" things- God providing food for the hungry, a job for the poor, or a house for the homeless. My vision of provision naturally gravitates toward that which makes people more comfortable and happy. While reading through Jonah, God brought my attention to a particular verse: "But the Lord provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights." God provided a fish to eat Jonah?! This is God's version of provision?
First, I want to address the issue of this being a figurative story because "a fish swallowing Jonah without killing him is not logical". With all due respect, since when is ANYTHING God did or does considered logical from the world's eyes? God made fish, God made man, and I believe He can do anything He so desires. After all, which is less logical: a man being swallowed by a fish and living, or a perfect, omnipotent God sending His perfect Son to die for a bunch of imperfect, ungrateful sinners?
Back to provision. I believe this story is there to remind us of many things, but I want to focus on provison because I know how much I tend to doubt what God is doing (or often, how He is doing something I have prayed for Him to do!) I pray for patience, and then get ticked off when I'm stuck in traffic on the way home. I pray for the ability to love my co-workers more, and then become confused when it seems like that day they are more difficult to get along with than ever. I may cry out to God for particulars, but I often lack the trust that comes with asking for His provision instead of my own wants and desires. I can imagine that Jonah was pretty bewildered whenever God's provision included three days secluded inside of a fish. He surely must've been thinking, "Wait a second, I just admitted that I was in the wrong here, and you proceeded to reward my honesty with THIS?!" But God knew. He knew that the only way Jonah was going to truly cry out to Him was through this bizarre circumstance. He loved Jonah so much that He was willing to provide him with whatever it took to bring Jonah back to God's heart. And, the incredible part is, He loves you and me the same.
So, what is your big fish today? The thing that you have been doubting God about; the situation that seems like abandonment from God rather than provision. Let's thank Him for those things today, knowing and trusting that God's best for us often doesn't line up with what we would have chosen; but it always turns out for our good and His glory. He truly has you in the palm of His hand, big fish and all.

Chosen.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be chosen. In this world we live in, there are so many arenas that we can be "chosen" or "rejected" in. Growing up, there was so much anxiety surrounding whether or not I would be chosen early for the kickball or "Red Rover" team in gym class. It felt so good to be chosen early on; as if that meant I was important or well-liked. Each day, there are opportunities to be chosen or rejected. We can be chosen for little things, such as a gym class or sports team growing up. We can also be chosen for (what seem like) greater things, such as a promotion, or even chosen by someone to be their spouse. If you think about it, it really is all the same. What we are looking for is to be told that we are "up to par"; that we matter. While there is nothing wrong with feeling happiness when God brings new seasons or chances into our lives, what happens when we are not chosen; when we are rejected? This morning, God seems to be reminding me, reminding us, that we are unconditional chosen by Him. 1 Peter 2:9 remind us that,  "we are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God". But chosen for what? Chosen to serve. Chosen to love. Chosen to share. Chosen to show compassion. And ultimately, chosen to follow Him no matter the cost. What is beyond comforting is that no matter what we do or have done, our "chosenness" does not depend on ourselves, but on Him. (John 15:16-19). So today, rest assured that whether or not your boss chose you for the promotion; whether or not that group of people you so want to be friends with chose to invite you to the party, you are unconditionally and eternally CHOSEN by the One who will never reject you.